


Grimms Episode Recaps

by gigglingkat



Series: Grimms Dominion [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-28 12:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/308101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gigglingkat/pseuds/gigglingkat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Posting a fake tv show including fake fan reactions was daunting.  I chose to do it as a fake snarky recap.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 101: Once Upon A Time

**Author's Note:**

> **Author's Note (How to Read and Play):** All the episode recaps have multiple levels of reality.  
>  The Show: Grimms has Dominion and Reality - don't worry, we stick with Dominion. It's created by 3 Hollywood newcomers (myself and two people reading this) who won their state lotteries and are spending it making pretty boys appear on television.  
> The Fans: Rocks Fall is a recapper with a forum full of fans. So sometimes fan reactions are part of the recap.  
> Real Life: Then there's the part where *I* — — mock, whine or comment on stuff. These comments now look like: *****. I would ignore them, but clex wins that argument!  
>  Real Life Comments: Comments are ♥ of course. You can leave comments in any of those realities above: as a normal reader on the story/insane universe building, "in character" as a fan on Rocks Fall's forum, or even cause fake wank — we've had a comment thread, [an entire fanfic and associated wank](http://grimms-dominion.dreamwidth.org/1929.html), and I have infested [someone's workplace](http://grimms-dominion.dreamwidth.org/2277.html)! I should also point out that anonny commenting is enabled, so you can always log out and leave comments as "different" users.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 1: Where our Heroes have The World's Greatest Boss and I use magic to steal Jensen Ackles and give him to Matt Bomer. I also give Paul Bettany to Alona Tal - so it evens out.
> 
> In reallife, I blame clex-monkie89 and waterofthemoon for it all and get stuck on the visuals and the need to stop for commercials.
> 
> In fakelife, fans show up for the leads and stay for the crack! The show is deemed "that amusing level of bad" and Dante is an instant sensation.
> 
> In Dominion: Ryan and Rebecca Grimm are successful programmers until the night Ryan disappears and they learn the game they've been creating is a real, magical realm.

**Rocks Fall** here. I'll be recapping _Grimms_ for what will undoubtedly be its very short run. I will tell you from the onset that I've  drunk the Cheshire Software punch and am enjoying the ride.

Black Screen. A... what is that? OH! Branches scroll up on the screen and create the word "Grimms." I do like the title design. It's  simplistic and cheap, yes, but it's also very "fairy tale book."

We go from that to what I can only assume is some basement of the [Google offices](http://1dak.com/people/google-office-pictures-47-pics/)—if they had decided to go with an Alice in Wonderland theme. Plus? It's a party! Why doesn't _my job_ have parties like this? There's champagne and a punch bowl that you just _know_ is spiked. And everyone's got Flip cameras. I wonder if there's a YouTube tie-in account. Does Joe Flanigan sing in it?

Speaking of Joe, the artwork on the wall is trying to convince me that Joe's name is Charles Chester—really, show, that's the best you could come up with?—and that he's a mega billionaire. He owns Cheshire Software Ltd, so I'm blaming him for the Alice in Wonderland decor. There's also some MacGuffin article about how the "Cypher Server" is the best gaming server ever and how the new "Usurper Chip" will be even better.

I don't think servers and microchips work like that, but I'm just going to let that go for now. The camera finally gets done showing me the layout of the "Gaming Concepts" department and finally shows me ~~Joe Flanigan~~ Charles Chester, who's been giving the same bullshit pep talk you've heard from your boss every time he's about to get credit for something you did. He's reminding everyone not to party too hard, as they have to be in by 8 am the next day.

Judging from the state of the champagne and punch bowls, I'd say that reminder is about two hours too late. No one seems very interested in taking the advice, including Chester, who halfheartedly protests that they all need to be "pretty" to watch him "deliver the Usurper Chip to the Cypher Server".

I am amused by how concerned Chester is that everyone be "pretty." Chester's outfit is rather hip and trendy, and if that speech doesn't make you question which way he swings, you just aren't paying attention. I'd say something about the fucked up IT lingo, but Jensen Ackles does it for me: "You mean watch you put a chip in a slot?"

And then? Chester grins and says, "Absolutely. I plan on taking two hours—overtime for everyone! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a helicopter to catch!" _Then skips his ponce ass out the door._ Ladies and gents, I have a new crush. I don't pretend to understand all the fuss over  recasting Billy Campbell, but I adore how Joe is playing this role.

 

Unable to outdo the awesome, the screen fades to black, and more branches tell us this episode is called "Once Upon A Time."

The party seems to be breaking up after Chester leaves—and really, who can blame them? I'm thinking I'm going to always leave a party by declaring my helicopter ride's here and skipping out of the room. Everyone seems to be checking in with Jensen and Alona Tal. (Hi, sweetie. I hope the fans treat you better on this show than they did on Supernatural, but I don't really think  they will.)

 _Blah, blah, exposition, filler, yammer, yammer, blah._ The gist is that they are all heading out to a local bar. (Seriously. Everyone who works here is a lush.) They want the "Programmers Grimm" to go because if you can't have a gay Joe Flanigan, Jensen and Alona are a good second choice. Rebecca and Ryan beg off and claim they will catch up—they just have to make sure their concept's correctly formatted for development.

The co-workers exposit that the Grimms' program is going to be the first through the new development process. All laugh about how mysterious the development process is but how nice the commission checks are. One of the guys flirts with Rebecca, prompting Ryan to step in with, "Dude. Stop hitting on my sister. That's just gross."

And after I stop laughing, I freeze the Ryan/Rebecca thread on the forums, then go back to laughing again. I have gone back to the press packets from last year - the Grimms have _always_ been siblings. So I'm officially banning all the wank about "rewrites" on the boards now. Besides, you all came from Supernatural fandom. You can't convince me that Ryan and Rebecca being siblings will even slow down the fic. In fact, I'm pretty sure the pairing just _gained_ followers. God Bless The Internet.

So while I was laughing about them, everyone has left, and a courier comes in. The Grimms are the only ones left (In the building? That's dedication) and are called to security to sign. Apparently, Chester doesn't allow rent-a-cops to sign for packages. Smart man.

There's a hilarious "oh shit" moment when Rebecca opens it and finds the "Usurper Chip." There's a subtle thing happening as Rebecca calls Chester—no one will take it from her— _hee._ Chester goes crazy—fabulously—about how it's not safe. Don't move! Don't take it out of the box! (Too late.) Chester says he's missed the helicopter and will have to drive back. He doesn't trust security with it. There's a _fabulous_ shot of Chester losing his shit once he's disconnected and jumping into a very sporty convertible and zooming off. Complete with a fucking white silk scarf. People, I love Chester. I don't care what he turns out to be. **_SPOILER!_**

The Grimms stare at each other over the Usurper Chip as we go to commercial break.

When we come back, they're back in Gaming Development and are playing I Spy (Rebecca kicks Ryan's bored and whiny ass). I'm guessing it's been awhile. I'd call bullshit on it, but I'm not putting it past Chester to regularly fly across state lines in lieu of a morning commute, so it may actually take that long. (I really, really hope they show us Chester's house in a future ep.  Can't you just imagine?)

Ryan pouts and whines and makes Rebecca call Chester. He's stuck on the interstate. Another quick shot of Chester hilariously dealing with a chihuahua barking at him from the car beside his. He's obviously under stress—you can tell because his outfit is all askew, and his hair. Well, it's Joe's hair.

Ryan suggests leaving the chip locked up somewhere until morning. Chester won't hear of it. He's convinced the chip is not safe until it's in its server slot .

I'm trying really, really hard not to call bullshit on the IT jargon, but really? It's not like it was delivered by Brinks. Why can't they put it in a safe or take it back to wherever the fuck it was supposed to spend the night ? Whatever, _Show_. Moving on.

There's a loving shot of Ryan's boots, and since this was in the screener, I've been reliably assured they are the actor's own boots. Ryan's got some really nice jeans (shut up, I notice the denim after 5 years selling Levi's) and a henley that's been described in loving terms on our forum as "dark sea green." Why am I focused on the wardrobe ? Because Ryan is in a chair and frantically scrabbling backwards as the camera tries to catch him. We haven't gotten to his face yet. His shoulders and arms seemed to have distracted our cameraman.

We _finally_ catch up to him as he raises his arms in victory. Ryan and Rebecca were playing office chair races, and he's won. Okay, that was cute. You get a heh. _Heh._ When Rebecca good-naturedly adds a tally on the white board, we see that the Programmers Grimm have also played: I Spy, Paper Bin Basketball, Rubber Band Archery, and Pin the Post-It on the Bullseye. Okay, that's a bona fide "HEE." _HEE!_ For the record, Rebecca was wiping the floor with her brother. Rebecca's also in jeans, but she's got a white button down shirt and black boots. Fairly stylish for programmers.

The camera pans up to the clock, which flashes forward an hour. It pans back down as a newscaster is talking about the massive accident—accidents? there may be more than one—that have essentially shut down all commuting. Ever. I'm assuming Chester is in the middle of it having a fabulous breakdown.

We pan over to Rebecca, who is now making intricate sculptures out of paper clips. Damn, the girl's got talent! And I just realized those pod rooms are their cubicles. Ryan's sitting next to her, so I think they share it. Ryan now has a jacket on—not because it's cold, but because he's trying to replicate Emilo Estavez in The Breakfast Club. (Tell me you don't know what that means, and I'm banning you from the boards.) He's also carrying on a conversation with his sister.

Ryan: Rebecca.  
Rebecca: Ryan.  
Ryan: Rebecca.  
Rebecca: Ryan.  
Ryan: Rebecca.  
Rebecca: Ryan.

In different inflections (like DUDE), indicating that Ryan is bored and whiny and deciding to torment her, and she's on her last nerve with it. Ryan keeps picking up the clear acrylic box containing the Usurper Chip. Rebecca keeps taking it from him without looking. Ryan lets out one long, whiny Rebeeeeeecca, and she finally cracks and yells at him. Ryan just laughs at her.

The "chip" is a frigging USB in the shape of the Cheshire Software logo. I suspect this is all a marketing ploy. Also, I can't believe anyone actually believed they were playing this as anything other than siblings. The scene is great, as it's establishing just how well they actually function as a team—I'm pretty sure that's going to be a theme going forward .

The clock does another flash forward, and—holy crap—it's after 11:30 pm. Chester must pay them a salary as fabulous as he is because I would have been out the door by 8 . They seem to be reaching their breaking point. Rebecca's on the phone with Chester at another desk. If you're wondering why, you can see Ryan rearranging her desk in the background. (Ryan's side of the pod is already completely rearranged from the scene before.)

Chester is _still_ next to the Chihuahua, and the dog _is muzzled with his scarf._ The owner is deliberately not making eye contact. Chester fucking _rocks_. He's still insisting the Usurper cannot be left unattended. Why, will it run away? Is it like the WB frog? It was made by Chester. I wouldn't rule it out.

Something off screen makes Chester jump into his car, and it appears they're moving. He's hung up on Rebecca, who's doing that movie thing of repeatedly pressing the hook on the phone base to try and get the call back. Has that _ever_ worked? Ryan picks up on it and grabs the Usurper and sprints to the door. Rebecca protests, but she is obviously over the waiting, too.

Rebecca: You know what he's like. If we don't keep it safe to his definition of safe, he'll make our lives hell for months.  
Ryan: The chip's only safe in its server slot? I'm going to go _put_ it in its server slot. If Chester wants to fire me for stealing his thunder, he can.  
Rebecca: Ryan! We're a programming unit . You know he'll fire me, too. He's got that whole yin-yang balance thing—

I don't even know where to start with that. How the hell do those interviews go? Did Chester hire them personally? How can you fire somebody because they aren't a pair anymore? Are they _all_ siblings in the office? That's kinda creepy.

As she's getting ready to follow him, the phone rings at her desk. She has to look for her phone ( hee) and connects to Chester. Chester's grinning again and is "two minutes" away. He's all fabulous again and genuinely grateful they waited ( _oops_ ). Rebecca gets quickly off the phone and runs after Ryan.

Dude. The Cypher server was in the next room this whole time?! No wonder Ryan was going nuts. Also, the server room is your basic row of racks and cables. In a _pink and purple striped room_ . Oh, Chester. I do love you so. No wonder you only wanted pretty people in there to watch.

However, the point is that Ryan is not in the room. Rebecca looks understandably puzzled and backs up to the offices. Yes, the server room is a dead end hall, and there's nowhere else Ryan would have gone. Chester naturally chooses this moment to get back. Rebecca has the same horrified "kill me now" expression you would have as Chester approaches. Rebecca manages to protest, "But he was right there!"

Chester _immediately_ knows what she means . Something is definitely up. He goes running into the server room and proceeds to lose his shit. I only know Joe from Stargate: Atlantis, so I immediately dub him Evil!Shep!Chester! He's practically crying one second and homicidal the next as he talks to... himself. He's definitely ignoring Rebecca, who is weirded out enough to begin with. The chip took forever to make, and it was his. Ryan had no right to take it. He can't wait another hundred years (I don't know, either) . He's tired of waiting. Rebecca has been backing up and finally asks where her brother is.

Chester doesn't seem to know who she is. "Ryan? He's gone there."

Rebecca can't quite summon up the courage to ask where "there" is, and I don't blame her. Evil!Shep!Chester is freaking me out. She instead asks if they should call the cops. He just kinda ... waves at her. She takes that as a yes and ~~runs~~ walks calmly back to her office.

Chester stares at the server rack as the music swells and takes us to a Commercial Break .

 

Ryan is on the ground and unconscious. Holy hell, Jensen Ackles has _amazing_ eyelashes. It's damn distracting.

Matt Bomer is leaning over him and trying to wake him up. While Ryan wakes up and stands up, I'll tell you what Matt's wearing for consistency . He's wearing a white homemade shirt, brown leather pants, and boots. His leather bracers and belt both have too many buckles. Everything on him has more straps and buckles than it needs to, actually . He's got a messenger bag on, and guess what it has—no, not buckles, but the strap has straps. A blue onyx-looking stone ring is on a leather cord around his neck. Let's hope that it gets a better payoff then Dean Winchester's neck wear did . His hair is longer and curlier/less perfect than it was on White Collar. You need a bib. I can hear you drooling through the internet.

Matt's expecting Ryan to go pillaging. That seems odd. The camera pulls back, and they are in the woods. Literally. Make of that what you will. Matt's having far too much fun brushing off Ryan's clothes. Ryan wants to know what the hell just happened. You and me both, Ryan.

Matt wants to know who Ryan is, and they introduce themselves. Matt is really Dante Aesop. That sound you hear is me rolling my eyes. I love the show as much as anyone, but they need to stop letting V Penn name people . 

Dante, however, is impressed that Ryan isn't named "Ryan the Ravager." Okay, then. I'll stop complaining. Ryan asks again what happened. Dante is surprised that Ryan doesn't know. And then there's exposition, and we're likely to have to watch this scene a million times in "previously"s, so I'll just transcribe :

Dante: Don't you have to—I don't know—"start the game"?  
Ryan: The game? What? You mean this is a virtual? When did I get plugged in?  
(thinks a moment)  
The chip. I was putting the chip in the server—and then—  
Dante: (watching him) You're—you're just you, aren't you?  
(Off Ryan's look, he starts rummaging in his messenger bag and produces a mirror) Here. Who do you see?  
Ryan: (playing along, but barely keeping his peace) Me.  
Dante: As you. Not as someone else?  
Ryan: (a hint beginning to form) You mean an avatar? No. I'm me. "As me" and no one else.  
Dante: I'll be damned.  
Ryan: Where am I?  
Dante: You're in the Dominion. How did you get here?  
Ryan: (disbelieving) The Dominion? As in the fictional game world?  
Dante: How did you get here anyway? What's the last thing you remember before I woke you up?  
Ryan: (looking in his hand) I was in my server room at work. (holds up the Usurper) I was putting this away, and then I was here.  
Dante: (cautiously looking at the Usurper) What—

I should note that this all takes place in about 45 seconds. This will be important later on. **_SPOILERS!_**

At any rate, Dante is cut off by Paul Bettany. And even though I knew it was Paul Bettany, I still find myself checking IMDB and wondering what the hell the producers had to do to have him in an American television pilot .

Do you want to know what Paul's wearing? Of course you do. Paul has stolen Heath Ledger's _A Knight's Tale_ wardrobe. It's similar to Dante's gear but of higher quality—white poet shirt, black pants, shiny equestrian boots, and a military looking beige long coat. Also, a rapier. The rapier does me in.

Paul immediately starts bitching out Dante, who bitches right back. Paul's name is apparently "Jack." Jack and Dante obviously know and loathe each other. They argue as if it was a continuation of a previous argument. Ryan looks baffled and keeps staring around like he's never seen Vancouver before.

Jack finally notices Ryan and seems friendly. He automatically assumes that Dante was about to kill him. Dante's slightly bitter about that.

Dante begins yelling that no one's asked, but he's "always helping out anyway," and he's tired of always "being the bad guy when there are Avvies aplenty to play the role." Jack ignores him and takes a turn brushing off Jensen's ass. I mean, protectively guides Ryan away from Dante.

Dante notices that he's no longer near Ryan and is insulted. Jack seems genuinely alarmed by Dante's attempt to get close to Ryan and is facing Dante, backing towards Ryan with his hand on his sword. Dante is getting a little manic as he starts ranting about how Ryan is obviously important and from "there" and "not displaced."

The overall effect is that Ryan isn't too thrilled with either of them coming close and backs up more . I would, too, babe. Jack actually begins yelling at Dante to "Stand down! Villain!" And I'm waiting for the rapier to get some use. Dante starts ranting about how he's helping Bremen and that it's the only home he's ever known—not that anyone's ever made him welcome—etc.

Meanwhile, Ryan and the audience hear a humming noise. It's fucking distracting and ruining the joy that is Paul Bettany and Matt Bomer swashbuckling each other. Ryan yells at them to shut up, and they immediately do. I _think_ this might actually be Ryan's power ( ** _SPOILERS!_** )

Now everybody hears the noise, and all three look around. Jack spins to face Ryan and stares at his hand. A convenient close up of Ryan's hand shows that he's still got the Usurper Chip—aka the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin—and now it is slightly glowing as if it were plugged in. Jack snatches it and asks if it belongs to Dante .

Ryan tries to get it back, but it's too late. The humming noise crescendos, and a vortex (green and gold with an fx of branches, like the credits, reaching out and swirling). It is apparently sucking up the forest and Jack, being closest, loses his footing first . Ryan starts to reach out and grabs Jack as he loses his footing himself. But it's okay, as Dante has grabbed hold of Ryan. Dante is fighting to get debris out of his eyes ( ** _plot point_** )and seems to be trying to look away but can't **_(another plot point)_** .

Jack catches Dante's eyes and looks surprised that Dante's trying to save him. He smiles and tells Dante, "Save yourselves. "

Jack lets go, and Ryan overbalances. Ryan starts to go, but there's a break in the debris, and Dante can (finally!) see the field beyond. His eyes oversaturate with blue (because stealing from Dune isn't done nearly enough) , and there's a blue-out.

Whew. We come out of the blue-out to Rebecca and Chester wrapping up with the cops. It went about as well as you think it would. The acrylic case is on the floor. Chester is fabulously pacing all over the room and claiming that Ryan has stolen the chip . When Rebecca starts to protest, Chester is distracted enough to look at her . He pulls himself together back to the cheerful boss, but it's now obviously a fake mask. He says he knows Ryan didn't steal the Usurper, but if he's only "missing," the police will have to wait 48 hours.

Rebecca is getting scared and says nothing else as Chester herds her and the cops to security to look at the camera footage. She manages to hang back to sneak towards the server room again. Completely baffled, she's actually checking the pink and purple walls for a trap door. She turns, and they do that cheap trick where Chester is RIGHT THERE, and it has made me jump every time I've watched this.

Chester. Is. Pissed .

He's hissing and spitting out the lines—he's asking where the chip is and how long they've been planning it. Rebecca just backs away as quickly as she can, but there's nowhere to go.

Chester grabs her and shakes her and yells at her not to lie to him. Woof. Evil!Shep!Chester is kinda hot . He then becomes un-hot by shaking her so hard it's actually uncomfortable. Rebecca gets over that bullshit very quickly and throws him off. In the process, they knock over the server tower which almost falls. There's an amusing moment when they both forget their argument and grab for the server rack. They VERY GENTLY pull it back, and it CLANKS back into place with a jarring motion, making them both wince.

Geeks United !

The Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin Usurper Chip is now sitting in the slot that was just empty. It's glowing merrily. Chester gives Rebecca a funky grin—it's almost more disturbing than when he was attacking her . Rebecca doesn't notice because she's staring over his shoulder. At Jack.

Yes, Jack has appeared from thin air behind them. I get that he came back with the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin, but how did they not hear him? What happened to the noise ? Why is he no longer holding the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin ? PICK A RULE AND STICK TO IT, SHOW.

Jack spins in circles a couple of times before focusing on Chester still holding Rebecca by one arm. Everyone stares at everyone else until even the camera gives up and we go to Commercial Break.

 

Jack recovers first. How, I do not know. Apparently, popping in and out of vortexes is not as disorienting as you'd think . He looks at Chester still invading Rebecca's space and holding her arm again . Rebecca is in shock and looks frightened. Chester's funky grin vanishes as Jack pulls out the rapier and loudly orders Chester to "unhand the maiden."

Chester recovers next , and he runs around the server rack as Jack swings the rapier over his head. Rebecca has to duck to avoid the rapier, and she just backs up against a wall to stare at the freak show . Chester says that Jack looks like he's from "the Dominion." Rebecca reminds us all that "The Dominion" is the game Chester made his billions from. Atta girl.

Jack announces that he is Jack, The Giant Killer—aka Jack from Jack & the Beanstalk. Chester looks suitably impressed that Jack's a hero . He admits that it looks bad, but if Jack will just stop waving the sword (it's a _rapier_ , Chester. I don't know why, but it's somehow funnier that way), - Chester's sure he can explain.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that would end the season far too soon .

Jack has been smiling nicely at Rebecca and very gently manhandling her to the door. To prevent Chester from spilling the beans, Jack chases him around the server rack. That is as hilarious a visual as you think it is.

Chester gets his cell phone out and (fabulously) calls the rent-a-cops to come save him. Jack yells, "VILLAIN!" and tries to stab him through the server rack. Chester is concerned about the server and his clothes. _Fabulously concerned._

Rebecca has. Had. Enough . She grabs the Usurper chip out of the Cypher and takes off. Chester chases her, and Jack chases Chester.

The closing door takes us back to The Dominion . We're looking at the meadow near the woods where Ryan woke up—you know, the one Dante was staring at before we left them. There's a blue/white flash, and Dante and Ryan are now standing in it. Dante immediately lets go of Ryan and backs up. On repeated viewing, it looks to me as if Dante expects to be hit . Ryan is disoriented and looks behind him to the woods where the effects of the vortex are still being felt, so no time's passed since we were last there.

Ryan figures out that Dante teleported them to the meadow . Dante is very cautious and cringing a little but finally fesses up by defensively asking if Ryan would have preferred to have been eaten by the vortex thing. Ryan assures he would not have and thanks him.

Actually, considering Jack went back to our world, I'm pretty sure Ryan _did_ want to get eaten by the vortex . But it's a bonding moment, so I'll stop poking holes in the weak plot .

Dante can't believe his ears, but Ryan assures him that he is not particular about the methods used to save his fine ass. By the way, how _did_ Dante save them?

Dante: (uncomfortable) I just do. Always have. Well, not with that— (makes whirly motions with hands) —whatever that was. But yeah. I look somewhere, and I'm just there.  
Ryan: That's so cool.

And that's when Dante and I fall in love with Ryan Grimm .

While Dante's staring at him like a lovestruck schoolboy, Ryan finally repeats his original query—namely _what the fuck is going on?_

Well, okay, FOX hasn't become that liberal, so maybe he doesn't phrase it like that. Still, Dante gets the point and says they should check in town to see if one of the "Elders" have anything to add to the exposition. The camera pulls back to show the town . Dante starts walking and indicates that Ryan should follow. With a look back to where the vortex was, Ryan does. As they walk, Dante suddenly gives a funky grin. (What is it with the grins?) He asks Ryan, "Are you all right? I've never really tried to take someone with me. Have you checked your toes?"

Ryan falls for it, and we pan up as Dante laughs at him .

 

We fade out and back to our world, where the conga line of Rebecca-Chester-Jack has made it to the lobby and the rent-a-cops. You have to feel for the rent-a-cops.

They recognize Chester and Rebecca and somewhat understandably think the maniac with a rapier should be detained. Chester yells to stop Rebecca. Rebecca yells to leave Jack alone, and Jack yells...

_"En garde, you fiends and scallawags! Jack, The Giant Killer, has arrived to free the downtrodden and the oppressed!"_

No. Really.

Chester, because he is fabulous, stops dead in his tracks and orders the rent-a-cops _not_ to hurt Jack . I know he's the bad guy here—attacking one of the title characters, making a Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin, etc. —but I fucking LOVE Chester. The rent-a-cops stare at everyone, and then all hell breaks loose. One guard holds Rebecca by the arm as she struggles, while the rest charge Jack. A Keystone Cop-style slapstick follows. Chester tells the guards to "subdue him for a minute while I straighten this out" and goes to Rebecca . As he reaches her, Rebecca elbows the guy holding her and takes off for the door .

Since they are under orders not to hurt him, Jack easily maneuvers the guards onto a rug. He actually yanks them off their feet, jumps from floor to table to chandelier, and swings over Chester—who is not trying in the least to stop him and looks very entertained—and runs out after Rebecca. The guards get up and give Chester a "What. The. Fuck." look as they pass on the way out.

Alone in the lobby, Chester holds up the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin and grins that funky grin into the camera . The camera fades from the outside into center, so we have to watch the grin as we fade to —

Outside. Jack has stopped cold and is gaping at… everything. Rebecca spots him as she reaches her car. She is obviously conflicted but yells at him to run. He runs over in a daze, and she gets in.

Paul Bettany does a lovely bit of acting as a guy who has never seen a car but HAS seen a carriage door before, and he manages to get in . He is fascinated by the car and equally impressed with Rebecca. She's still in "flight" mode and ignores him as she peels out of the parking lot.

The rent-a-cops are giving chase when Chester's voice comes over the radio. Chester says to let them go. He has the gall to sound slightly puzzled about why they are trying in the first place. The guards all start muttering and start to return the building. Hee. I'd love to read _that_ IA report.

"Received delivery at 5 pm, signed for by Programmers Grimm. Ryan Grimm reported missing—police called. Intruder with rapier chased CEO and other Grimm through lobby. We let them go per same CEO. Union rep called 5 minutes later."

Poor rent-a-cops. Ahem.

Commercial Break!

 

Ryan and Dante have made it to the town. It's called "Bremen Town," which would normally make me call BULLSHIT, but the premise is (I think) that they are stuck in a game , so I'll accept it .

Bremen Town is like the town of Bree on crack . Buildings are low tech, but there are high tech railings and sidewalks. Parts of some buildings do not appear to be following known laws of physics—which makes sense, in a way, as the rest of the show is ignoring Sir Issac Newton, too .

It should probably be noted that the townsfolk quite obviously do not like Dante. Some are outright frightened of him, some are acting like they'd refuse to serve him, but most are just glaring at him .

Ryan—the perfect stranger—is conversely being greeted with smiles and nods like they know him and they owe him money . It's weirding Ryan out a little. A random guy with a barrel of apples comes up and passes Dante to offer one to Ryan. Ryan deliberately takes two and passes one to Dante, who looks startled by the courtesy. _Aw._ Poor baby, come here, and I'll kiss it better .

There's all sorts of muttering about this, but everyone immediately stops glaring at Dante . We get to hear random background extras call Ryan a hero and go get the Elders Dante mentioned earlier.

Sure enough, they turn the corner, and there's a group of old people in appropriate Elder robes with ridiculous walking sticks. There's a relatively young guy with them, dressed in the same clothes, although he's got the biggest staff. I'll let you make your own jokes.

Biggest Staff steps up and introduces himself as the Mayor of Bremen Town. Ryan gapes at him, apparently filling in his own cheap jokes . Dante nudges him and tells him his name's Ryan Grimm. Ryan nods and agrees his name's Ryan Grimm. Heh.

The Mayor reacts to the name Grimm, and the Elders all have heart attacks. Oh, wait, they're just excited. My bad .

The Elder with the Biggest Staff Except the Mayor's Staff walks to the crowd that gathered to see the show and announces: "A Grimm! The Stories can be saved! The Hero is a Grimm! "

And then the _entire town_ kneels to Ryan. Dante doesn't kneel. He looks surprised by the reaction and then looks to Ryan .

"Do I have to kneel?" he whispers. HA! Ryan looks horrified and shakes his head. Dante looks around and steals another apple. At Ryan's look, he steals one for Ryan. Okay, I love Dante, too.

Ryan doesn't take the apple. He just looks around and sums up his situation.

"Crap." _Hee._

The End. But wait!

We're treated to what must be the crew singing the "God Only Knows" refrain ( _God Only Knows what I'd be without you_ ). It fades into the real song as—

We cut to Ryan and Dante meeting in the woods again. Except as Matt brushes off Jensen's ass, he flubs the line. Next take, Jensen flubs a line. Next take, Matt starts to brush Jensen off, and Jensen starts brushing _Matt_ off as well. It ends in a sissy fight and a weary Nutter calling "CUT." A placard tells us it is take 17. Wow. This time they make it all the way to "I was putting this server" when Jensen yells SHIT! Matt tries to keep it together, and you can hear Paul Bettany yelling that they are amateurs in the background.

In Alona and Joe's struggle at the Cypher Server, they completely break the cheap plastic Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin prop. There's a beat of OH NOES!, and then they crack up.

Jack swings off a chandelier at one point in the Keystone Cop fight. In rehearsals (low res vid), Paul swings all over it, and it's solid. But then when they call action, it falls as he's barely on it.

Next blooper is Paul going to kick a chair out of the way, and it bounces weird and hits the camera. Several beeps on the audio indicate the crew's reaction.

Next is the master shot used in the show—with no errors. The director yells cut, and Paul throws victory arms and yells, "And no damage to the set or crew! Thank you!"

I am not one for gag reels, and I'm a little alarmed they aren't saving it for the DVD. It implies they don't think there WILL be a DVD release.


	2. Recap 102: Jack The Giant Killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In reallife: I mourn that I cannot draw what I see in my head. This would have easier to tell as an anime. I'm also startled to find that Chester is my favorite.
> 
> In fakelife: The fans are hooked but the darker side is already showing over Dante's sexuality and Ryan's "oppression" of it.
> 
> In Dominion: Chester is awesome, Ryan is a dorky nerd, Dante saves Ryan's gorgeous ass, Rebecca decides to keep Jack and Jack swashbuckles everything ever.

Rocks Fall here.

So, I get that we're a mid season replacement - but episodes 1-3 are airing Monday, Wednesday, Friday like some demented mini series and then, the regular timeslot is on Friday night. Wow. That's some screwy scheduling - even by FOX's own screwy standards. *****

At any rate, on to episode 2. Previously... HEY. They have their own Recapper? Not only that - they have their own _snarky_ recapper! ***** That's MY JOB, buddy.

Narrator Sarcasm: _Previously on Grimms, Rebecca and Ryan were called "the Programmers Grimm" and got yelled at by Chester to keep the Usurper Chip safe. Ryan walked down a hallway and then woke up in a field and met Dante._

_Jack ran up and told Ryan not to trust Dante, right before a vortex devoured him. The same vortex tried to consume Ryan and Dante, but Dante can make his eyes look funny and teleported them away from the vortex._

_Chester was kinda creepy about the chip and then very Gollum-esque about getting it back. Jack ended up in our world, where he was awesome at beating up day player security guards and then running away with Rebecca._

_Dante took Ryan to meet the Mayor of Bremen Town, who declared that Ryan was a hero. Then, everyone bowed._

__I could have done it better – just so you know. *****

Ryan's "crap" from last episode wakes up Rebecca. She's on a couch in what I'm assuming is her apartment. The forums tell me it's a stolen set from Stargate: SG1. I'll take their word for it. ***** Rebecca's still half asleep and trying to figure out why she fell asleep on the couch, when she spots Jack snoring in the lounge chair. She refrains from the obvious "I was hoping it was a dream" line, but she was totally thinking it. You can just tell.

Jack wakes up with a snort and smiles uncertainly at her. She gives him a half smile and half a wave before putting her head in her hands and whispering Ryan's name. *****

_Credits: The Vortex Branches form the word Grimms as a mix version of Carbon Leaf’s "A Life Less Ordinary" begins. The Vortex Branches then form a wood cut of Jensen Ackles and his name, then the wood cut morphs to Jensen himself in what's apparently a show clip. The Vortex Branches then whisk him away and make a wood cut of Matt Bomer, his name and morph to a Dante clip. Again for Alona Tal (her clip shows her in Bremen - SPOILERS IN THE CREDITS). And last, an "Also Starring" credit for Joe Flanigan. We then get the pan shot from 101 - Dante and Ryan heading off to Bremen, as the Vortex Branches tell us it was created by: V Penn. (Does he not have a first name? Just when you thought the show couldn't sound more sketchy.) It's produced by: V Penn *****, Ella Mentry (Say it aloud, someone was drunk when they filled out their guild card) *****, and Luna Dawson *****. _

_The Vortex Branchess have one last flourish and we get the title card:_  


 __  
Jensen Ackles' eyelashes are still a thing of wonder. We’re treated to a close-up of Ryan's sleeping face. As we pan back, we can see Dante waking him up - by patting his face and then jerking his hand back as Ryan swats at him. I can’t decide if Dante looks like he wants to kiss him or maybe eat him. Apparently, since last episode, Ryan has checked into Ye Olde Waldorf Astoria. Seriously, **I** want to stay there. It looks nicer than Rebecca's apartment. *****

Ryan finally admits to waking up. He goes through the same "I was hoping it was a dream" process that Rebecca did. I don’t know if the similarity was deliberate, but it certainly makes them look like siblings. Dante asks if he's hungry and Ryan lets him lead the way downstairs to a dining area. Ryan is immediately served a large plate of hot food. Dante gets bread.

We get it, _Show_. Dante isn't liked. Also - is the Dominion a communist ideal world or something? No one seems to pay for anything. *****

The waitress putting a plate down fades into a book of Grimms Fairy Tales landing on a table in front of Jack. Rebecca leans over it and says, "Jack in the Beanstalk wasn't a Grimms' story."

Jack just nods and says he's French. _Snicker._ *****

Rebecca and the rest of the audience don't know what to do with that. Paul Bettany is many, many things. "French" is not one of them. I do like that they didn't even try to explain that. Apparently, Rebecca has moved past the more obvious objections during the credits. Jack exposits that he was from "Reality" originally, but time doesn't work the same way in Dominion. I assume this is writer-speak for "we're going to be fucking around with time". This would explain why Ryan's story most certainly did not take as long as Rebecca's in the last episode. *****

Jack then claims to be 195 years old - so apparently, _aging_ doesn't work the same way in Dominion either. That makes no sense, but if you want to discuss the nonsense, go to the forums, there's _plenty_ of bullshit to nitpick on this show. Jack is shown exploring the wonders of modern civilization, as they go through the back story. It's still a boring scene.

They then go to a flashback - where the Vortex Branches frame the screen - to show; not tell. But, a flashback without Paul Bettany is as boring as a boring scene with Paul Bettany. I don't care that everyone has gone gaga over the fx. *****

Long story, still too long, but shorter than they would have it: In days of old, there were "rifts" between Reality and Dominion. People went through. Worse, _things_ went through, forming the basis for most fairy stories. Giants crossed into Reality and killed Jack’s parents so Jack climbed a beanstalk into Dominion to hunt them. He found life was better there. (If he's really 195, I agree with him.)

Another swipe cut to Dante, finishing Jack's story by saying that Jack earned his "Giant Killer" title and remained in Dominion as a hero-for-hire. As the camera pulls back, we see that Ryan has once again managed to get better eats for Dante, who doesn't seem to know what to do with all the food. ***** He's using the bread as prop for his story and he trails off as Ryan's watch catches his eye.

Ryan asks, “What’s the story between [Jack and Dante]?”

Dante looks startled. "Well, he's a hero. He doesn't trust me, of course." Which doesn't explain anything, _Show_. *****

Ryan catches on that his watch is distracting Dante and holds out his wrist and Dante holds his hand. Then, he doesn't let go. Ryan, finally, clues in that Dante isn't just a flirt, but actually flirting _with him_. Ryan extracts his hand and is awkward and uncomfortable. ***** Dante just sighs and tells him that people from Ryan's world come to Dominion all the time.

When you watch this scene, you will either:  
a) Think that Ryan is just straight and now, Dante knows *****  
b) Think that Ryan is obviously in the closet, they are MEANT TO BE!, and start writing fanfic  
c) Become livid that that homophobic asshole, Ryan has, obviously, just broken Dante's heart and it's just part of the conspiracy – to hate gay men on television.

If you picked Option C, please understand that you are insane and cannot run around our forums bashing users and complaining about how V Penn hates Dante and gays without being banned. *****

Where were we? Ah, yes. Dante is explaining that people from Ryan's world show up all the time. And then to prove it, the waitress/innkeeper/She Who Was A Bitch To Dante runs in, yells that there's an "Avvie group in the marketplace" and seems to be waiting for Dante to do something about it. Dante grins at Ryan and starts to leave.

Ryan protests that Dante is leaving and gets pulled along as everyone heads out. I must say, it's nice they aren't having Ryan go through the standard "But this CANNOT BE REAL." - considering _he's actually there_. *****

As they enter the town square again, Jack and Rebecca begin a voice over. Rebecca's saying they aren't GRIMM Grimms - just other Grimms. (She tongue twists herself into silence. HEE. *****) Jack claims that the Brothers Grimm were ordinary people who became accomplished rift travelers - (Ryan walks through the square.) - and only wanted to help. They met all kinds (Ryan meets up with Dante) and learned that the Rifts were destroying Dominion. They started a quest to end them once and for all. *****

Ryan and Dante are stopped by Mayor Biggest Staff and pulled into another gorgeous building. It's apparently the mayor's office. I want to move to Bremen. ***** Mayor BS (it works on several levels) hands Ryan "the book of your ancestors", asks if Dante can be trusted (he's _right there_ , dude) and offers all the moral support of the town. He then asks them to leave, so he can barricade the door. *****

Rebecca asks if they stopped the Rifts alone. Jack tells her the people of Dominion are not all heroes – as the Mayor's door closes in Ryan's shocked face and you hear the deadbolt click into place. _Hee._ Really, Jack? Not heroes, you say?

Rebecca asks how the Grimms stopped the Rifts, and Jack says they used artifacts from Reality of "great emotional import". Ryan's asking Dante what he's supposed to do with the book. ***** Dante doesn't know, but won't take it from Ryan. ***** Shouting starts up from the square and the pair head off towards the noise.

The camera beats them there, parting the crowd to reveal -

\- a poor man's Lord of the Rings/D&D group from middle school. *****

Commercial.

Cheshire Software Ltd. Chester is in the Cypher Server room having a breakdown - _fabulously_. ***** He's trying all combinations of putting the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin into its slot. Eyes closed, casually putting it in without looking, and currently, trying to figure out how to put it in while leaning backwards, like he's playing limbo. _HEE._ He's also growling and whining. It's psychotic. *****

From off screen, someone clears their throat and calls his name. The camera moves to the door, where all the other programmers from the party are crowded in the doorway. All are vying for a glimpse of their employer's _fabulous_ breakdown, without getting too close. What makes me lose it is that they have all obviously remembered the instruction to be "pretty". *****

They are dressed in pairs; some are actually dressed in pink and purple to match the room. I think one pair is supposed to be Tweedle Dee and Dum. ***** _Several of them are using the Flip Cameras._ I really must find the Cheshire Software You Tube account. *****

Chester snarls at them that he's busy and to go away now. He sounds homicidal enough that they instantly run away. His attempt to create a vortex (I’m assuming that’s what he's trying to do *****) fails again and he actually has an angry dance/tantrum. He looks to the doorway, looks slightly abashed and calls out, "Everyone looks great, though!"

Oh. My. Fucking. God. I want to marry Chester. ***** He can sing me Skullcrusher Mountain as we live in his undoubtedly fabulously insane house you can only get to by helicopter. *****

 

Dominion. Ryan's caught up to the pre-teens, who are ignoring everyone staring at them and blatantly stealing apples off the carts. They are all glowing slightly blue - which I didn't notice prior to commercial, but if I rewind, I'll never make it past Chester again. So, moving on. Dante walks into the middle of them and loudly announces he needs to hire thieves to get his rubies back from "the dragon".

One of the pre-teens...

Okay, so you get that they are kids playing a computer game, right? Everyone does. Even Ryan, staring slack jawed at the spectacle. So, here's the deal. The kid walks up in an RPG game and presses the button to talk to someone. In Dominion, that person also starts glowing blue, with a big exclamation mark over their head. Basically, anything they interact with glows blue and it is freaking out the Bremen folk. ***** I don't blame them. Neither does Ryan.

Dante, on the other hand, is a pro at glowing blue, telling them what they want to hear and is working up some dragon. *****

It all becomes too much for Ryan who yells out that it's just a game and gains the players’ attention. Even Dante looks like that was a bad idea. Sure enough, the kids flash blue and are suddenly armed to the teeth. There are even glowy things above them, indicating they have MORE weaponry in reserve.

Seriously, I'd never thought how creepy that must look. Thanks Show. I will never be able to look at Assassin's Creed the same way again. Oh, wait. The people in that game wear Ram's Head Speedos. Nevermind. *****

Ryan starts to gesture at them with the book, when it falls open and a HUD display appears. Even the kids that think this is all a computer game find this weird. Ryan squints at the HUD and there's a floating RESET button in red. Don't pretend you wouldn't press it. *****

Ryan does, and the kids blip out of existence, only to show up at the entrance to the square. There's a beat where everyone absorbs this fact. *****

The Lords of the Proactiv arm themselves again, yell "HACKER!" and charge Ryan, who is frozen, again, in shock. Fortunately, Dante's closer and reaches Ryan before the LotP do. Dante's eyes oversaturate and he and Ryan blue blip themselves to the other side of the square. The LotP screech to a halt, turn around and give chase. The camera quickly pulls up and out, so you can see all the blue flashes, going in circles around the town. _Hee._ *****

Rebecca's apartment. (Folks are assuming Ryan lives there. I'm not entirely sure why. I don't live with my siblings. *****) Rebecca's on her laptop, as Jack breaks a jewelry box behind her and hastily sets it down. Rebecca is chuffed that she hasn't been locked out of Cheshire Software and maybe isn't fired. Given Chester's current state of mind, I'm fairly certain she could just go to work and pretend nothing happened. *****

She's showing Jack the Dominion. Why? Is she still claiming this isn't real? Jack is all, "I know, bitch. I _live there_." Rebecca tries to prove that Jack isn't real, but is slightly dismayed to find there _is_ a Jack, the Giant Killer profile on the Cypher Server. His status is "unknown". She pulls up his profile and a computer character version of Jack appears. Jack waves at it. *****

It isn't until Rebecca changes the shirt color in the computer and sees Jack's shirt change to blue that she seems to truly believe it's possible. ***** She searches for and finds a “Ryan Grimm”. His computer character is dressed in Ryan's clothes. Rebecca’s freaking out leads us to -

Commercial Break.

She's still freaking out when we come back. She tries to access the profile, but is told the character is “unavailable remotely”. *****

She's pondering that, when Jack asks her to search for Dante Aesop. ***** Rebecca reacts with a subtle _really?_ to the name and I love her for it. Dante's computer self makes an appearance. Rebecca thinks he's cute – who doesn’t? – and wants to know who he is. Jack says no one really knows - Dante was an infant survivor of a carriage accident that killed his parents. Jack's fascinated that the Cypher has Dante listed as "Heroic Trickster". ***** Rebecca pulls Ryan back up. He's listed as "Hero". Jack gets all kinds of excited about that.

He starts saying that Ryan is "The" hero of the story. (And I barely miss the anvil suddenly hurdling out of the TV at my head. *****) Rebecca ignores him and decides to go back to work to see if she can access Ryan from there. Jack immediately insists on "accompanying you BACK! into the Villain's Lair!" Rebecca and the rest of the world cannot take offense at that.

Besides, he looks adorable posing with his rapier drawn. *****

 

Cheshire Software: Gaming Department. Rebecca walks in with Jack. I'm rather sorry we missed how they got past security. *****

She's mobbed by the co-workers - none of whom have names yet, yeesh ***** – who are all trying to explain just how psychotic Chester's behaving. "It's worse than the day we ran out of shrimp cocktail!"

I take a moment to enjoy the mental image of Chester losing his shit in a cafeteria. ***** While I'm doing that, Rebecca's trying to – casually – get to her pod and access her computer. She curses under her breath, as she finds that Ryan hid her mouse in the previous episode. Never let your siblings near your workspace, people. Never. *****

She logs in and pulls up Ryan's profile again. He's still "unplayable" but there's an option to "open chat", which she selects.

Bremen Town: Presidential Suite. There's a flash by the window as Dante and Ryan teleport in. Ryan, still carrying the Grimms book, collapses on the bed. Dante doesn't even make it that far; he slumps on the floor by the window. After a moment of silence, Ryan declares that teenage boys are horrible. *****

Dante is too tired to glare at Ryan, but points out they'd still be teleporting in circles, if the leader hadn't been suddenly yanked off the internet by his mother. ***** Ryan is amazed how tenacious they were. ***** It's not like he hurt them! Ryan looks over at Dante's slumped form and asks if he's okay. Dante nods and says he's thirsty, so Ryan gets up and gets him some water.

Dante is startled, as he always is, by the courtesy and looks slightly puzzled by Ryan. Ryan smiles - dear god, Jensen Ackles is pretty. ***** By the time Dante and the audience recover, Ryan is thanking Dante for always saving his gorgeous ass.

Dante manages a weak grin and says Ryan is the only one who likes him. Ryan says he noticed (who hasn't?) and asks what the hell _that's_ all about.

Dante starts to answer, when the book announces there's an incoming message. ***** Ryan stares at it, while Dante springs up and looks ready to pounce on it. *****

Dante: Did your book just talk?  
Ryan: Yes.  
Dante: Do all books talk where you're from?  
Ryan: Not so much. How 'bout here?  
Dante: Not so much. *****

Rebecca's voice comes out of the book and calls for Ryan. Dante stops him from leaning over the book – "in case she pops out". Ryan looks like he doesn't rule it out either and gingerly flips it open. *****

A HUD pops up with Rebecca's web cam, Jack peering over her shoulder. The Grimms are thrilled to see each other, Jack is amused and Dante keeps waving his hand through the HUD.

The Grimms quickly confirm that Ryan is "living some weird ass TRON crossover", ***** that it's the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin's fault and Rebecca tells him Chester is involved as well. Jack pronounces Chester a Villain! Most Foul! Ryan is slightly disbelieving of Chester’s villain status. This is one of the reasons I love Ryan Grimm. ***** Ryan does admit to being happy that Jack's not dead.

Jack looks slightly bashful and admits that Ryan was probably intended to return home. But he quickly points out that Ryan is a Hero – possibly “The Hero of This Story”. (The capitalization belongs to Paul Bettany. It’s fantastic. *****) Rebecca and Ryan have mirroring looks of disbelief and Dante says he wondered about that. *****

The Grimms now stare at Dante, Rebecca wants to know who or what the hell Dante is, as there is no such thing as a "Heroic Trickster". Dante wants to know who's heroic and Ryan wants to know what Dante means, as does Jack. Everybody fills everybody in.

Basically, there's a lot of talking and _nothing happens._ *****

As he so often does, Chester shows up to save me from boredom. ***** He pops his head into the pod and asks who Rebecca's talking to. Jack tries to pull out the rapier, but instead succeeds in falling out of the pod. Chester neatly avoids him, steps into the pod and closes the door.

Chester: He's a trip. *****

Marry me, Chester. Normally, I'd be concerned about you being a fictional character, but given the premise of this show, and the Astral Plane, I'm sure we can work around it. *****

Rebecca isn't quite sure how to deal with him, but doesn't try to stop him. It seems to be very hard to go from thinking of him as her boss, to thinking of him as her arch-enemy. Apparently, Rebecca's never worked in sales or a call center. ***** Chester, at any rate, is somewhat surprised that Ryan is alive. *****

Ryan isn't sure how to react and Dante seems to be crushing on Chester. (Back _off_ , Pretty Boy. I saw him first. *****) Ryan confirms he's not dead and would like to remain that way. Chester seems to think that Ryan's flubbed return is why the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin isn't working anymore. *****

I am too bored by this episode to even try to mock that logic. Rebecca - very carefully, and obviously aware she is talking to a crazy person - asks if Chester has any ideas on how to get Ryan back.

Chester grins. It's really funky and they _definitely_ did something to it in visual effects. ***** This should be good.

Commercial Break.

Chester's got Rebecca and Jack in the server room. Jack has his rapier out and looks like he doesn't trust Chester at all, but he isn't saying anything. Outside the server room, the rest of the department isn't even pretending they aren't eavesdropping. The Tweedles even have popcorn. I love them. I can see why Chester hired them. *****

Chester is talking, of course. Once again, to _whom_ is up for grabs. ***** The magic must only want to transport humans. (Thus confirming that my fabulous love is at least partially _other_. *****) So if _Rebecca_ puts the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin into the Cypher Server, a vortex should open up. It will want to return another human, opening a return vortex for both Grimms. *****

Rebecca is wearing a headset and Ryan's voice comes from a speaker set on her waist. (I want this office so badly. You don't even know. *****) Ryan addresses Chester as "boss" and asks if he's okay. ***** Chester nods amiably – at the speaker set. HEE. He finally notices Jack with the rapier and looks slightly nonplussed. *****

"Oh. Are you staying or coming with us?" *****

Jack declares that he is not leaving Rebecca alone with Chester. Chester smiles and decides that Jack is adorable and Rebecca should keep him. Rebecca pauses a moment, then, apparently, decides “if you can't beat them, join them.” She puts on a bright cheery smile and declares, "Sure. But I think Ryan should meet him." *****

Chester doesn't even acknowledge the mocking. He just maneuvers her over to the Cypher Server and gets into a slight shoving match with Jack as he tries to hold onto her shoulders. *****

Rebecca takes a deep breath and puts the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin into its god damned slot.

Nothing happens. *****

Everyone had their eyes squeezed shut and now slowly open them. Chester turns around and starts pounding his head against the pink and purple wall. He then begins pounding on it with his fists, while declaring that it's not fair. ***** He sounds about four years old. *****

Ryan and Dante want to know what happened. Chester declares that Ryan must have used up all the magic on his trip. Rebecca asks what they do now as she yanks the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin out of its slot. *****

The Vortex Branches instantly spring up and yank her and Jack (who was still holding her shoulder) into the floor. Chester turns around to an empty room and wails. The employees in the background are appalled. *****

Dominion Woods of Random Portals. ***** Rebecca and Jack are deposited on the ground. Rebecca is unconscious, but Jack is not, although he's very disoriented, even for Jack. He waves the rapier above his head in a slightly drunken manner and finally spots Rebecca at his feet. *****

He kneels down and attempts to wake her up, declaring it was a far more difficult trip to Dominion, than from. "The same is true of beanstalks, I'm afraid." *****

Bremen Town: Presidential Suite. The inn's only employee comes in and announces there's something happening in the woods where Ryan The Hero appeared. Ryan is typing on the HUD trying to get Rebecca back, but at the news, he slams the book shut and runs out of the room with Dante. *****

Woods. There's a blue flash, as Dante and Ryan teleport in and Ryan helps with Rebecca. Dante is quite obviously checking her out, but he quickly backs up in alarm when Jack spots him and stands up. But Jack is actually offering his hand and "most sincere apologies for any mistrust as you are Heroic and it was all undoubtedly just to give you a tragic past for your story."

Oh, Jack. *****

Dante giggles before he catches himself and pulls himself together to solemnly shake Jack's hand. Aw. Chester was right. Jack is adorable. ***** Rebecca comes to and she insists on a hug. Ryan obliges ***** and wonders when the Vortex Branches are going to show up. They're overdue. *****

Cheshire Software. Chester has one of the Tweedles taking the Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin in and out of its slot. While he’s doing that, I rewind and confirm that Rebecca dropped it as the Vortex Branches grabbed her. ***** The Misnamed Fucking MacGuffin is not working. Chester finally takes it and asks it irritably what it has against him.

I’m sure it’s not you, my fabulous love. I just think that if it worked, the series would end. ***** Seriously, _is_ there any logic to how this thing works? *****

The Tweedle timidly asks what happened to the Grimms. Chester just _shrugs_. SNERK. He notes that they were talking on the server and that they are “probably” still available on it. The Tweedles leave and run to their own pod, where everyone crowds around nattering about how Rebecca and Rapier Guy _got eaten by branches._ No one, however, seems willing to call the cops over it.

Seriously, if they work for Chester, it's probably not even the weirdest thing that's ever happened. *****

The Tweedles log in and apparently call Rebecca. *****

Dominion Woods of Portals No More. The set still on Rebecca's hip crackles with the Tweedles concerned voices. Ryan asks if it's Cyril. And I don't care if you name him now. He's Tweedle Dee to me. ***** Always. Rebecca gets on the headset and asks where the return portal is.

The Tweedles have no clue what she means and demand to know what's going on. Tweedle Dum offers to call the police. ***** Rebecca and Ryan share a look and nix the police. I get that. After all, what would the police _do_ , except possibly arrest the guy that seems to know how to work the Vortex Branches? *****

The Tweedles ask where they are, how they managed the "cool hack" and communicate through the server. They don’t even mention the Vortex Branches. This amuses me. Ryan gets tired of the bullshit and asks to speak to Chester.

The entire office looks uncomfortably at the server room. _HEE._ There's a quick cut, then, the Tweedles bodily dump a near catatonic Chester in the chair. ***** Ryan calls him "boss" again, but this time Chester just glares at the screen. "I don't think I'm speaking to you at the moment, Ryan." HEE. *****

Ryan immediately starts protesting his innocence, ***** as Dante teleports in behind them - apparently having gone to get the Grimms book. Chester sits up and asks what the noise from Dante’s teleporting was. ***** Ryan flips open the book and now we're web-conferencing again. The Grimms are asking about the portal, but Chester's talking to Dante, asking him to try to open a portal from his side. Dante stammers and Chester leans in close, so there's only his eye in the hologram. Everyone leans back. _Hee._ ***** Chester leans back, becomes very condescending, and asks to speak to Dante's mother.

I giggle at Chester's implication that he's done playing and wants to talk to an adult. Dante looks like he's waiting for the punch line. Rebecca leans over, whispering that Dante should ignore it. "He's like that with everyone."

That explains _so much_ about the way the Gaming Department staff reacts to Chester. *****

Jack steps up and says: Enough, Villain! I demand you reveal to The Hero of the Story your fiendish plot! *****

Chester mouths the words back, like he's translating them, and verifies that Jack wants to know what Chester's trying to do. ***** Hilariously, Jack drops all airs and answers as Paul Bettany - "I think we should probably wrap it up at this point, no?" *****

Rebecca gapes at him. "You speak normal?" is obviously going through her mind. She shakes it off to go stand next to Ryan. The Grimms looking through the HUD at Chester is the poster shot from all the promos. ***** It's just as pretty, but slightly more hilarious, as they are obviously doing it to keep Chester focused. *****

"Boss," Ryan begins. "What were you _trying_ to do? What actually happened? And most importantly -” the Grimms finish together, "how do we _fix it_?" *****

Chester smiles at them and claims they are his favorite. He seems verklempt that they would be so concerned about him. Rebecca begins banging her head on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan is barely containing his temper.

Ryan asks directly if Chester wanted to come to Dominion. Chester is all "DUH!" Rebecca starts to ask why, but Ryan shushes her. Thank you, Ryan. I can’t take much more of this either. Ryan assumes Chester _still_ wants to come to Dominion. If Chester wants the Grimms to help, he'll need to help them get home.

Chester looks slightly puzzled. "You want to come back? Are you sure? That seems unlikely." *****

The Grimms look puzzled and Rebecca cautiously asks, "Unlikely to happen, or unlikely that's what we want?" *****

Chester grins and says, "Yes."

He is just joking and seems to realize it's in poor taste. "Look - " he begins, in all seriousness.

And that's when the connection dies. I am torn between putting my foot through the screen and laughing hysterically. *****

Ryan and Rebecca are hilariously flipping through the book, trying to get the connection back. Jack says, “Directly finding the answers _never_ works.” *****

Off Ryan's look, Jack quickly offers that it was worth a shot – and backs up. Heh. Ryan looks down and we find that Dante has, at some point during the preceding conversation, sat down and is playing with the tassels off Jack's coat, like a kitten with string. Guys, I want one. He’ll get along great with my ferrets. *****

Dante, slowly realizing he’s being stared at, looks at Ryan with a wonderful "what?" shrug and offers that Jack's right. It never works.

Cut to Chester, who is knocking on the blank monitor screen. He looks over to the Tweedles and tells them the connection died. The Tweedles nod. It's server downtime. *****

Chester’s head threatens to implode. Nervously, Tweedle Dee/Cyril says, "What? It's been on the calendar for months!"

We cut to black before Chester kills them.

END CREDITS

The "God Only Knows" endless refrain plays over the black – and we're treated to several stills of the production crew. Then, there are several fish-eye lens shots that seem to be taken with novelty cameras. *****

Jensen and Alona are shown holding the book, and holding the book. And staring off to the right, then left. Bomer joins them for a couple - it's apparently the promo shoot. I think I like them better as fish-eye shots. Hee.

There are a couple of shots of extras and the LotP boys got a bunch of pics with the entire crew. ***** We get fish-eye shots of extreme close-ups of people's eyes. There are a few shots of the actors laughing and Jensen stuffing his face.

Aw, the set looks fun. Still don't know why they don't save it for the DVD. *****


	3. 103: Hanzel & Gretel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In reallife: I make Sara and my recapper cry and dump a ton of exposition while I'm at it.
> 
> In fakelife: I make all of fandom cry and add Chester to the list of "abused" characters. Ryan/Dante has rapidly grown to the most common pairing by far. (Grimmcest being the far second.)
> 
> In Dominion: Ryan and Rebecca are reunited in Dominion but quickly learn that it is anything but a game.

They still have a Recapper. The boards have dubbed him "Narrator Sarcasm" as the show seems willing to laugh at itself.

Narrator Sarcasm: _Previously, on Grimms - The Programmers Grimm worked for Charles Chester, when Ryan disappeared into Dominion. (Scenes from the pilot, cut together to make it look like Ryan's playing hide and go seek with them. HA!) Rebecca got stuck with a crazed Chester and an even more deranged Jack the Giant Killer. (Highlights from the Keystone Cop homage.) They had a story time. (That cartoon-y thing they did with Jack's backstory.)_

_Ryan got Dante to flirt with him and a town that isn't real, but a part of the game the Programmers Grimm program. The people there bow and feed him. (... No, that's pretty much what happens in the clip. Their recapper cheats.)_

_Jack told Rebecca while Dante showed Ryan what life is like in Dominion. It's pretty fairy-tale until the gamers show up and trash the town. Ryan can stop them. Sorta. (Yeah, it's even funnier in quick cuts.)_

_Rebecca, Chester and Jack all put aside their differences long enough to try and get Ryan back. It didn't work. Rebecca and Jack got slurped up into Dominion and Chester lost what's left of his mind. (They really love the shot of Chester banging his head.)_

_The Grimms got on their magic skype book and Chester was going to tell them what was going on, but there was a server downtime. (Hey! They're allowed to call it "skype"? Am I allowed to now?)_

I still think it's cheating to have a recapper on staff - Do you know how easy this would be if I had access to vid? *****

I should note, that despite my fabulous love's presence in the previouslys - there is NO CHARLES CHESTER IN THIS EPISODE. ***** There is also an insane amount of exposition via cutouts. I am really very afraid that this is the start of a trend.

We recycle through the scene from the end of Jack the Giant Killer. Dante stands up, as Jack repeats that it was worth a shot, and suggests they head back to Bremen, to see if they can fix the book. I'd ask how but it's boring here, so, yes, let's change sets. The group walks away from camera and into the credits.

_CREDITS:_  


We come back to find them huddled around the book in Ye Olde Waldorf Astoria's common room. It's probably just the dining room restaged more like a den, but I once again find myself wanting to move to Bremen. The YOWA staff is huddled in the corner trying to get a glimpse of Rebecca. Dante seems to be the only one noticing and seems nervous about it. Ryan is obviously filling his sister in on the Lords of the Proactiv from last episode. She's asking, "And it looked just like work?"

Oh, really? So, it's not just a HUD - it's a Cheshire Software HUD. ***** Ryan confirms and finally figures out how to get the display up. There's a big floating 'Server Downtime: 4 hours' that the more alert of you have pointed out keeps flickering. When you freeze frame, the time changes from 4 hours to 4 days, then 3 minutes and then hilariously to an infinity sign. I'm beginning to believe Jack's "time doesn't work the same" declaration from last episode. Meanwhile, Ryan just notes that the countdown hasn't moved. ***** Rebecca and Ryan then prove their nerdom by trying to hack into their own server. Rather, Ryan does and Rebecca keeps telling him to do something different.

This ends up about as well as it would with your own siblings. They end up fighting over the book as Jack looks amused and Dante looks confused. The book gives up and ... splits? spreads? becomes four-fold - basically becomes a dual system big enough for both of them to play. *****

They get a display of Bremen, Ryan starts rattling off stats from the town, and Rebecca's overriding him with information on the "characters" in the town. ***** She changes Jack's shirt to blue again. Ryan is slightly floored by it and changes Dante's to red. Dante is thrilled and wants "lavender, please" earning a smile from Rebecca and Jack, an eye roll from Ryan and the collective ovary bursting from the audience. Ew. Y'all clean that up! *****

We cut to outside the door again, where the YOWA staff are getting more and more agitated and Ye Olde Innkeeper Dude (hey, they don't name them, I get to play *****) clears his throat. Jack looks over and asks Tom what he needs. Well, fine. Be that way. Start naming them. Tom, the Innkeeper timidly asks who the young lady might be, will she need a room and does Jack have any news about the "Avvie Incursion Problem."

Jack beams and introduces "Lady Rebecca, sister of Ryan Grimm, the Hero." This causes Rebecca to scoff, Ryan to choke on his drink, and Dante to BEAM that she's a sister and move closer. Jack amiably reaches down and pulls him off. ***** HEE. I should note, that in my view, Ryan doesn't see the exchange. ***** The female YOWA staff make excited noises and try to abduct Rebecca for a bath and makeover. The men all (wisely) stand back. Rebecca, fairly politely, tells them to let go and that she will let them make her over at an unspecified later date. *****

Jack tells the YOWAs to bring the Elders, effectively rescuing Rebecca from making the hair and nails appointment. Rebecca catches that Jack is kinda a big deal around Bremen, to which both Dante and Jack reply that he's a hero. It's a wonderful bit - stated so calmly that Ryan and Rebecca both react. ***** Jack points out that Ryan is The Hero of the Story, again, and Ryan finally asks what everyone means by that.

It's Dante's turned to look stunned and he asks if Ryan really doesn't know what a Hero is. I can only transcribe the conversation - it does no justice to the lovely comedic timing the actors give it.

Ryan: Of course I know what a hero is.  
Jack: No, you don't.  
Ryan: I ... don't?  
Jack: No, I'd forgotten that Reality has no Heroes.  
Rebecca (overlapping with Ryan): Sure we do - firemen -  
Ryan (overlapping with Rebecca): Do too! - firemen, cops  
Rebecca: soldiers  
Ryan: older brothers *****  
Rebecca: *glare* *****  
Jack: No, those are people who are heroic. You don't have Heroes who slay dragons and lead the stories. You don't have _stories_.  
Ryan: No, we have _life_.  
Jack: Exactly!  
Dante: So, wait, just _anyone_ can be a Hero there?  
Jack: Not exactly. They don't have them. Everyone just deals with things on varying levels. It gets quite complicated. And the villains!!  
(off Dante's look) Don't ask. And if they _ever_ mention their kingdoms, run.  
Rebecca: We don't have kingdoms anymore. We have elections.  
Jack (dubiously): ... like Rome?  
Ryan: Yes, but why does everyone here treat me... well, weird?  
Jack: Weird?  
Ryan: (pointing at Dante) He's the only one that helps and makes eye contact. *****  
Rebecca: Really? ... it's your face, I hate mentioning it -  
Ryan: I'm _serious_. When I first got here? They all _bowed._ (to Dante) Dante, back me up!  
Dante: That was new. *****  
Jack: (making calming motions): The Avvie Incursion Story has been going on for years with no real Hero. People are just happy the plot has finally shown up. *****

And the attempt, by this silly little show, at meta has me both laughing and groaning. STICK TO THE FUN AND SILLY. *****

At any rate, Jack invites Dante to tell the story, which makes Dante nine shades of flattered and triggers one of our "Vortex Branches Story Time" - which are, apparently, going to be an ongoing thing in this series, so give me naming suggestions for them on the forums. *****

Also, Matt Bomer has a beautiful storyteller voice. Woof. *****

The Vortex Branches overwhelm the screen and create a Bremen Town. *****

Dante (Voice Over): Once upon a time, in the far away kingdom of Dominion, there was a quiet town called Bremen. Heroes came to Bremen to retire, filling the Inn with tales of bravery from long ago, but nothing dangerous ever happened _in_ Bremen. (The "heroes" telling tales are cutout versions of the Sheriff we haven't met yet, Jack and Mayor BS. A cutout version of a child huddled in the corner listening is assumed to be Dante, based on the glowing blue eyes. *****)

Bremen had a Harvest Festival, where all the townspeople gathered to trade and celebrate the year's harvest. But this year, as they gathered, there was a sudden noise and strange lights appeared. (The cutouts are overlaid with the Chester Software code - as if the Matrix were suddenly trying to take over Dante's story. *****) The people ran at first, but when a week had passed, they returned to their festival.

Three days later, while the Old Mayor was presenting the award for best pie, the first Avvie appeared in the Market Square. (There's a blue flash and players show up in a cutout version of what happened to Ryan last episode.) The Old Mayor confronted the intruder and told him to leave, but the intruder was an Ogre, disguised by a magic cloak. ***** As the Mayor approached, the Ogre attacked. (And how. That is a _lot_ of cutout blood.)

That was the first Incursion. The retired Heroes answered the call, fought the intruders, learned they called themselves avatars, and became known as "Avvies'. However, this story was unlike any other. There was no end to it. Avvies appeared, Heroes died, but there was no point. *****

Dominion had not seen such times since the Brothers Grimm first saved all the stories, so many millennia ago. ***** Word came to Bremen, from other towns, that Avvies were appearing throughout the lands, bringing death and chaos to all in their path. Dominion residents prayed for their Hero to appear.

We come back from commercial and Rebecca sums up the story, for those not paying attention. We're three episodes in and I feel she's done it enough that it should be a drinking game rule: Rebecca sums it up. Drink. *****

Dominion is a world where life is a series of stories. Somehow, the Cypher Server is connecting to it and now it's an endless story, with thousands of players, with no real goal and no end point. Now that Ryan has shown up, people expect him to solve this problem. *****

Dante says that she needs to work on her story telling style, but that she's correct otherwise. Ryan cuts off her protests with his own, saying, yet again, that he's not a hero. Rebecca pulls up his character on the book and points out that he kinda _is_. Everyone looks sympathetic. Ryan pulls up Rebecca as a character and takes comfort in the fact that she's a hero too. Jack and Dante are startled.

Rebecca tries to remain calm, deny she's a hero, and simultaneously make it clear that women are Heroes just as much as men. She splutters quite a bit trying and ends up settling for glaring fiercely at Jack. Jack grins, says that he believes she's a Hero, and thinks she's just wonderful. I defy you not to love Jack at this point. Even Rebecca's having a hard time keeping up that glare. *****

He does, however, think it prudent to keep that bit of knowledge to themselves. Hidden Heroes are extremely useful in some situations, because people aren't expecting to obey them. *****

Which brings us to our _next_ bit of exposition. I'm beginning to think that subliminal infinity symbol in the downtime countdown was a warning. *****

Screw it. I'm stealing Rebecca's job and summing it up. ***** In Dominion, Heroes and Villains automatically have subliminal mind control power. Anyone aligned with "Good" feel compelled to do what the Hero says. Anyone aligned with "Evil" feel the same compulsion for the Villain. There's some argument about Free Will and that human nature isn't as simple as good or evil - but none of it gets resolved. You can't force someone to go against their nature - make them be brave or kill themselves. *****

They then walk around Bremen proving it - effectively showing us the layout of the ~~set~~ town and introducing us to various recurring folk. I am not naming them until they actually _do_ recur, because, let's face it, we're a show that's having trouble finding it's stride and we're on FOX. Besides, I would have appreciated these bits more if they had happened _instead_ of all the talking in the scene before. Between the cutouts, Rebecca and now this - we're being told the same information _three different ways._ I. Am. BORED. *****

 _blah, blah, wtfever_ Looking back through - Ryan's used this several times: he ordered Jack and Dante to stop fighting, he's been influencing Dante from the get go (although there's also the UST in play there), and the townies are being nicer to Dante because Ryan's power is pushing them to be. I'm wondering if it also got him the YOWA Presidential Suite. *****

They run into Mayor BS and a beefy blond that will turn out to be the Sheriff when they get back from commercial.

Commercial: where there is a PSA for literacy for children and read fairy tales to your children. Yes, you should read to your kids. But I wouldn't advise checking the source material against this show. *****

Back from commercial, we get to meet the Sheriff and get needless backstory for him and Mayor BS. The Sheriff is Hansel. Yes, that Hansel. No, there is no escape from that anvil. ***** Suck it up like the rest of us. His sister, Gretel, died in an early incursion. Mayor BS seems to have had a mini-breakdown from the blow to his ego - he wanted to be the Hero of the Avvie story. The breakdown led to the loss of his hero mojo - which doesn't seem to be unheard of, so I guess we're supposed to worry that it will happen to Ryan. Rebecca cannot resist the combination of Han's impressive arms and the fact that he's _a freakin' fairy tale_ and actually rubs him to verify he's real. ***** Jack pulls her off in the same way he pulled Dante off her earlier. _HEE._

AND THEN, SOMETHING FINALLY HAPPENS. And before we get into it, I'd like to say that I've been hard on the episode up to this point. ***** Pacing on this show has been an issue. Like all genre shows, it requires a ton of universe building and that type of exposition is always hard. ***** But, if I had to guess, I'd say this is the writer's first time at bat for television and it shows. ***** I'm enjoying the story, but not necessarily how it's being told.

Plus, it's my job. *****

But the back end of this episode made me forget how much I was hating the front end, until I went back to recap. So, there's hope. I only hope FOX gives it a chance. *****

An avvie flash appears, as they are alll laughing about something. The character that appears is, at first, a regular guy looking rather frustrated. As he's bitching about server issues, a HUD appears above him, allowing him to select characters. As the last _HEE_ of the episode, most of the guy's characters are females, in ludicrously skimpy attire. ***** He picks the Ogre from the flashback, thus letting the audience know, this is the guy who killed the Old Mayor. Everyone reacts to him - including the Grimms, which isn't the mistake I first thought it was. *****

With no warning, the ogre casually swats the nearest townie - a woman, who had been trying to back away without being noticed. She slumps to the ground dead, instantly. It's as horrific as the LotP were comedic. The Sheriff, Jack and Dante all rush the ogre, while Mayor BS stands frozen. ***** The Grimms aren't much better, but Ryan recovers first, joining the others fighting. His movement snaps Rebecca out of it and she also goes to help.

Dante's eyes are already beginning to glow and he's attempting to get behind the ogre. From the shouting, the ogre knows, from previous encounters, that Dante's trying to teleport him away. I really hope it's into a lava pit nearby. ***** Ryan is calling the ogre, "Brian" and it's serving to distract the player, who wants to know where Ryan got the human "gear" and who Ryan is.

Using the distraction, Dante jumps on the guy's back, but the ogre counters, by engulfing his head in one hand - thus blinding Dante and making him unable to teleport. The ogre swings his arm down, while still holding Dante's head and, good god, I really hope that's CG or a mannequin, because Dante hits the ground at a hideous angle and there's an audible crack. *****

Ryan screams as Rebecca goes running back to the still catatonic Mayor and grabs the book. She opens it up and Brian, the ogre, now thinks she's a mage - prompting him to wind up to throw an axe at her. ***** Ryan grabs his arm, shifting the focus to him, but is shrugged off, almost immediately. Brian's about to axe Ryan, when Jack throws himself between them. Jack takes the axe to his stomach. *****

They slow down time to allow us to see how amazed Jack is at the pain and then somewhat sad. ***** Rebecca and Ryan's screams bring us back to normal time. Rebecca finds some code that makes Brian blip out without reappearing. ***** She runs over and grabs Jack, who's beginning to slump over on Ryan.

Ryan grabs the book for her as the Sheriff announces that Dante is dead. He turns in disbelief and the book's HUD displays Dante's character profile. There is a glowing blue "restore" button on the HUD, which Ryan presses without hesitation. ***** The Sheriff is startled, when Dante's neck makes the same cracking noise as before and his eyes start to flutter open.

Well, _that's_ going to come in handy. *****

Except when it comes to the actor too good to be on television, apparently. Ryan rushes over to Rebecca and Jack as the townsfolk come running. The Sheriff is explaining how the Grimms vanquished the ogre and cured Dante. Everyone is obviously expecting them to do the same for Jack. ***** Rebecca is covered in blood and trying to stop the bleeding. Ryan has pulled up Jack's profile, but there are no resets. These are the main theories from the forums:

1\. The reset - being the same blue as Dante's eyes - are only for Dante - or whatever Dante turns out to be. *****  
2\. Jack - being 195 years old - has used his resets  
3\. The writers have no idea what they're doing *****

I, personally, waffle between 1 and 3 *****, but do not care what you believe - but you will keep it civil on the forum and not repeat yourself or you will be banned.

At any rate, I've avoided it long enough. ***** To everyone's growing horror, and Rebecca's growing hysteria, there is no reset function available for Jack's character. Jack seems to be the only one unsurprised and reaches for Dante. ***** He manages to proclaim Dante a Hero and Ryan The Hero of This Story to the townspeople before collapsing into Rebecca's arms. Alona does a wonderful job being completely torn up, while simultaneously smiling for him.

Jack dies. I have to go blow my nose. Because, I'm obviously coming down with a cold. Shut up and pass the tissue box.

We come back from the commercial to Jack's Funeral. Sheriff Hansel delivers a eulogy in a complete monotone - the townsfolk do a fair job conveying shock - for extras. Rebecca comments to Dante that the eulogy was "nice" - which now means completely unsatisfactory. Dante notes, with a fair amount of bitterness, that the Sheriff's had "a lot of practice lately" - effectively shutting Rebecca up. *****

Ryan and Rebecca murmur conference. Ryan recognized Brian, the Ogre, from a fan convention and is trying to process it. Rebecca points out that they've all blown off steam in the games at one point or another. They wonder if they've actually ever killed someone in Dominion - which is rather deliciously dark. I hope that gets explored. ***** Ryan asks how Rebecca got rid of him and she says that she banned him from the server. Atta girl! *****

Ryan looks thoughtful, but sighs that they can't ban _everyone._ ***** I think I speak for all the viewers, when I ask, _WHY THE FUCK NOT?_ THEY KILLED PAUL BETTANY. If that isn't a ToS violation, I don't know what does. *****

The Grimms are slightly taken aback when, as the Sheriff identifies them from the same "kingdom" that Jack hailed from, ***** the townspeople queue up to pay their condolences. Dante's taken more aback, when he realizes they all want to shake _his_ hand as well. The camera pulls back and zooms us back to Ryan's room, where the Grimms book's countdown rapidly counts down from 4:00 and is replaced with a display reading "Server Connection Restored". *****


	4. 104: The Fox and The Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That boring first season episode that no one likes but defends anyway. 
> 
> In reallife, I continue to fanbait poor Sara and continue to abuse commas.
> 
> In fakelife, Rocks Fall gets drunk on how awesome Rebecca can be.
> 
> In Dominion, Rebecca and Ryan look for more Grimms artifacts that would maybe NOT LET PAUL BETTANY DIE, fight a dragon and try to out BAMF Cpt Sisko with mixed results. Dante gets a clue about his origins.

Tonight's episode is "The Fox and The Cat" — I'd never heard of a Grimms story called that and googled that shit. It's an [_Aesop's_ Fable](http://www.aesops-fables.org.uk/aesop-fable-the-fox-and-the-cat.htm) about a Fox who is a know-it-all asshole and a Cat who may not be a know-it-all but is still pretty much an ass and watches the Fox get eaten by dogs.

How this is relevant to Dante _Aesop_ is anyone's guess. *****

You are welcome to meta about it in the comments, I will be too busy giving thanks to the sweet Baby Jesus. CHESTER HAS RETURNED TO US.

And lookit that, I've been going on about Aesop while Narrator Sarcasm has been going over the previously. I don't need him anyway! Previously on _Grimms_ , Ryan had eyelashes and a fine ass. Dante noticed and was a teleporting hotass in his own right. Rebecca was awesome and had Paul Bettany swashbuckle all over her. Chester was the most fabulous thing to ever make a TV screen fabulous.

UNTIL THEY TOOK AWAY CHESTER AND THEN SHAMELESSLY KILLED PAUL BETTANY. YOU KILLED PAUL BETTANY. FUCK YOU, NARRATOR SARCASM. I'M NOT SITTING THROUGH THAT SCENE AGAIN.

 

The episode proper starts with Chester's voice calling for the Grimms from the book. HELLO, MY FABULOUS ASTRAL HUSBAND. WE MISSED YOU! It appears to be nighttime. I don't care that it makes no sense. Open the book and talk to Chester. He makes it better.

Rebecca comes in from another room and asks someone off-screen why they aren't answering. The camera pans and shows Dante sitting at the table in _Ryan's room_ just staring at the book. He's half laying on the table and I think we're supposed to think he slept at the table. *****

The first time through, I thought the writers just didn't know how fandom _works_ and was counting myself lucky that they didn't have Rebecca start off in the room too. ***** Then, Rebecca crosses the room to wake up Ryan — by flinging the covers off and beginning to grab at his pillow. She repeatedly yells that the server is back up until Ryan finally mutters it back at her and stumbles to the book.

And I thought, well at least they understand how _baby sisters_ work. But _why_ is Ryan so tired. And then I go back to just where the hell did Dante crash? *****

Ryan then destroys all hope I have that the writers actually _went there_ and does a double take of Dante and wants to know what he's doing there. ***** The Grimms don't wait for a response, they get the book open and establish a FairySkype (™) session with Chester who appears as happy to see them as we all are to see him.

In the interest of appeasing the Ryan/Dante shippers: Dante appears to be muttering something about not being used to having his own room. ***** I still don't know what to believe. *****

I can't be bothered documenting all the fanbaiting going on, because Chester has finally reappeared on the show.

As mentioned, he's thrilled to see them and even smiles at Dante who tentatively finger-waves at him. But Chester is talking non-stop about something the Grimms did to the server — ruining the mood.

It would appear that whatever Rebecca did to ban Brian the Ogre from our lives wreaked havoc on Cheshire Software, Inc.

"We can't fix it." 

This doesn't deserve the weight it's given, but it triggers the credits and title card.  
  
Chester is repeating himself when we come back and Rebecca interrupts to coldly announce that the bastard FUCKING KILLED PAUL BETTANY and deserved to be banned. Chester is truly shocked at such fuckery. My love for him grows.

He finally splutters out that Jack was A Hero — and as everyone LAST EPISODE kept telling us — _and telling us_ — Heroes aren't supposed to die. And as much as I love Chester, if he makes me sit through another exposition dump, we're through.

Ryan saves my fictional, astral marriage when he butts in and confirms that Jack is well and truly dead, Rebecca is made of awesome and could Chester please just get them the fuck home now?

Chester tells them they can't because the server is nine shades of fucked up because Rebecca's Ban Hammer conquers all — or some such bullshit. The Grimms yell at Chester who puts the Tweedles on to explain.

Tweedle Cyril (who is apparently the only one who has his SAG card and can speak) asks where the fuck the Grimms are and what the fuck they did to the server — except we're on FOX — so he says "fudge". Or possibly, the Tweedles are emotionally still in sixth grade. ***** Other Tweedle pulls up a HUD display and there's a bunch of holographic bullshit in greens and red to show us just how fucked the server is.

Rebecca frowns at a piece and mutters something and pulls it to her side of the book — which apparently they just know how to use now. Go with it. ***** Tweedle Cyril asks Ryan what kind of servers they have "there" — like Ryan's on a cruise. Ryan asks what the hell he means by that and Tweedle Cyril just looks vague and puzzled. Chester interrupts and peers over his shoulder. Rebecca's plugging along at the code and he's cooing at her.

 _Literally cooing at her._ You see? Exposition is just so much better with Chester. Tweedle Cyril just rolls his eyes and leaves, asking to be called when she's fixed her own "mistake." Ryan just gapes and asks what's wrong with Tweedle Cyril. Chester explains that no one in the office is really clear on what happened.

"I think they've all decided you both transfered to the casino offices." 

Sidenote: I want to see "the casino offices" — which imply the Fabulous Chester has an equally Fabulous Casino — I'm hoping in Vegas. It will make the civil ceremony that much easier.

Rebecca looks up and correctly points out that not only did they SEE what happened to her — several of them were _filming it._ I love you, Rebecca. Everyone drink.

Chester merely scoffs and says that no one ever remembers true magic in Reality. ***** Dante looks amazed and asks for clarification. Chester just shrugs and says that he learned long ago that he didn't have to hide his magic. ***** People would just naturally forget. He grins that funky grin and tells Dante that an entire shipful of people once convinced themselves they'd hit an iceberg rather than admit dragons were real.

I want to see the DiCaprio movie of _that_! *****

The Grimms just stare. Rebecca starts spouting questions — including the fan question of "How old are you?" and Ryan just can't deal with it. He says that Chester is joking or lying. Chester looks slightly offended and asks, “Oh yeah, Hero? What happened to Anne and Andy Dross?”

While the Grimms run through a rapid list — they don't know any Anne and Andy — no wait, those were the programmers that quit — retired — went to work for [conflicting competitor names] — no, they won the lottery. Chester grins wider and wider until even Dante starts.

Meanwhile, I realize that "dross" means "rags" — as in, Raggedy Ann and Andy? 

Oh, V Penn. Oh, Show. Clever show.

Ryan finally gives up and asks what happened to them and Chester stops grinning immediately and points out they aren't working on the server anymore.

Wait. What the fuck happened to Raggedy Ann and Andy? I _like_ Raggedy Ann and Andy! *****

Rebecca grouses that the Tweedles didn't fix it. Chester explains that it's the fact that she used the _Grimms book_ that screwed it up. The book's mojo is apparently greater than Reality's. Ryan clues in that the book might be able to fix whatever went wrong with the Usurper Chip in the pilot and get them home.

Chester gets very fake cheery and assures them that it will. Dante hilariously asks why he's talking like that but Chester denies talking like anything and who's side is Dante on anyway? Dante looks puzzled at another implication that he would be on Chester's "side" and Rebecca states that Chester sounds like that because he's lying.

She then points out that the book is glitchy and didn't even react the same way twice, letting Jack die. A simple server lockout caused all kinds of errors when all it should have done was kick out Brian the Ogre. The book isn't operating on the Cypher Server — it's rewritting the base code for it — in weird and unpredictable ways.

Chester rues that she's too smart for her own good sometimes, but that the Grimms have to understand — he _needs_ them to use that book for him. He also looks like he knows that Rebecca just summed something up and he should drink. Or at least wants to. Hee.

At which point, Ryan closes the book and ends the FairySkype session. He and Rebecca share a look as Rebecca flatly refuses to go along with using the book and risk killing someone or bringing back someone they don't want. Dante tentatively asks if he's one of those, which both Grimms quickly deny which, in turn, serves to finally shake him out of whatever funk he was in. ***** Rebecca even reaches over and squeezes his hand which startles him and makes him smile. 

That amount of adorable is illegal in long doses so we go to — 

Commercial.

We come back from commercial to Mayor Biggerstaff's office. The Grimms and Dante are asking him for information on the book. He tells them that several villages have Grimms memorabilia — which kinda makes sense to me as they were the only thing close to superstars this dimension/planet/whatever had. I also suspect one of these villages houses the largest collection of Grimms slash fiction in all of Dominion. Because you know any world that produced Dante just has to be "gay friendly". *****

He hands over a map and points out Sentau as the closest village with Grimms goodies. We pull up from the map and Rebecca's actually holding it — we're outside with the Grimms and Dante on a hill looking towards something off camera. Ryan rather dubiously announces that they must have found the "Sentau".

The camera 180s so we can see what he's so dubious about. And wow. If Bremen Town is Bree on crack — this place is Blade Runner taken over by a stoned Tinkerbell. I can't do it justice. The forums have dubbed it Gay Pride Goes Steampunk and that really may be the only way to explain the sequins. *****

Do I really need to say that Dante immediately loves the place? No? Didn't think so. *****

The Grimms follow an enthralled Dante down the street. Dante can't decide what shiny thing to look at first and Ryan mutters to Rebecca that he has a sudden urge to put on a leisure suit. Rebecca hilariously disco poses and I think Alona's succeeded in breaking Jensen, because they quick edit over his laugh. *****

The _entire side_ of the building they were passing suddenly releases steam and begins to swing open in a classic "wow. That's a really big door." move. I find myself expecting Mel Brooks to come out — and _holy shit_ — I was close — that's _Avery_ Brooks.

Captain Sisko has traded in the practical but ugly Starfleet uniforms for _leather_. Head-to-toe brown leathers and suedes. Badass tight pants, suede shirt, a vest an work boots. He's also got enough buckles to give Dante a run for his money and because no steampunk outfit is complete without them — he's even got dual flip lensed goggles. ***** 90% of the females in the audience just discovered they have a thing for silver foxes and the other 10% are freeze framing and trying to determine how to make their own.

Sisko ***** does not care about the female audience or even Dante or Rebecca — who are both just as approving as we are. He Is Not Amused at the thought of visitors and without preamble asks them what the hell they want.

Ryan starts to introduce themselves when Sisko interrupts and points out he didn't ask _who_ they were. He asked what they wanted. The "so go fuck yourself" is so strongly implied that Ryan starts to get in his face. They look very odd against that glittery wall but still — it's Dean Winchester vs Capt Ben Sisko!!!!11!!!! 

And then because she's obviously not a fanboy, Rebecca ruins it all and gets between them. "Hi. We're Grimms. We here to see what Grimms relics you may have to help us stop the Avvie problem."

As much as I hate that she stopped the fight — Rebecca summed it up. EVERYONE DRINK. *****

Sisko bitchfaces at them, says "No" and goes back inside. Ryan follows him. Because That's A Really Big Doors are notoriously slow when closing. Dante and Rebecca don't look thrilled but they also follow. Dante comes back from around the door to grab their bags — twice. It's funny because he's obviously not impressed with the That's A Really Big Door's speed and is refusing to hurry. Ryan finally appears and yanks him inside.

Heh.

Rebecca has followed Sisko onto a metal platform and it takes me the scene but it finally becomes apparent that the "Gay Pride Goes Steampunk" is just a facade over the _real_ village — which is just straight steampunk. As they walk further "into" the village — the gears become progressively less sequined. ***** Ridiculously huge copper and brass gears swing through the air and they have _airships_. 

OK, they're cheesy tv sfx airships. But _still_ — I want one. *****

Sisko looks over his shoulder as they follow him down a ramp — they are heading back outside towards the cliff and coast. Sisko spies the bags and asks what is in them and Ryan, having learned his lesson, simply says it's their "gear". Sisko doesn't look happy that they'll be staying long enough to need it, but after another long stare, he just starts walking in a different direction. He ends up at an airship dock.

Dante — who is just overtly beginning to drool — has been walking closer and closer and smiling. Sisko has slowly begun to grin and as they reach the cliff where the airship docks, he reaches around, puts his arm around Dante and then _shoves Dante off the mother-fucking cliff!_ I will admit that earned a squeak from me the first time through. 

There's an immediate blue flash and Dante appears all wide eyed beside Rebecca. Sisko just nods to himself like he expected that to happen and Ryan gives Rebecca a look that is, quite clearly, " _Now_ , can I kill him?"

Aloud, all he does is ask Dante if he's ok; meanwhile, Rebecca's taking the opportunity paw that body and find out for herself. Dante assures both of them that he's fine but then tells Rebecca not to stop. SNERK. Ryan does a double take but is interrupted by the airship's arrival — leaving it up to the viewer to wonder if he's just confused or jealous. ***** Seriously, this show is obviously aware of the slash potential between its leads and is baiting you. *****

Sisko gets on the airship without a word of explanation which just serves to make Ryan stutter and follow him. Dante wants to know precisely _why_ they are following the crazy person. Rebecca looks dubious herself but follows Ryan.

Once on the airship, Ryan starts to put his bags with the other passenger bags but without looking behind him, Sisko tells him not to do that and the trio once again hurry to catch up. Dante is hilariously careful to stay out of arm's reach and also keeps the Grimms back. 

Ryan has had enough and demands to know where they're going. Sisko takes great pleasure in stating that _he_ is going to work. He has no idea where _they_ are going. Yeah. They've basically followed a guy onto a subway. Everyone on the airship is giving them dirty looks.

Rebecca's too far away so Dante gets to be the one to physically restrain Ryan this time while politely asking Sisko if he'd be so kind as to point the way to the mayor's office. Sisko tells Dante that his "kind" are tolerated here better than most villages but not to push his luck.

Dante hesitantly asks what he means by his "kind" and Ryan looks even more protective than usual. Woof. Er, I mean, I wonder what's going on with this interesting and mysterious plot? *****

Sisko just stares at him for a moment and asks if "you really don't know what you are? How do you explain it then?" *****

Dante gets very evasive and crowds into Ryan a little weirdly. I'm truly not sure if that's an acting choice or if that set is that small. It's damn distracting either way. I'm not sure why Matt would suddenly decide to play Dante as a child when he's obviously got the hots for both Grimms. ***** But to discuss it here is to invite absolute unfunny madness on the forums, ***** so WHATEVER, SHOW. MOVING ON. *****

The show obviously agrees with me because a deep and instantly recognizable voice tells Sisko — who is suddenly named "Jacob" — but we're all still calling him Sisko — to stop being so rude to their guests. Sisko doesn't quite pull a face, but he does say "Sure, Boss" and go stand beside the newcomer.

Who could be Sisko's boss? Who could possibily out BAMF a leathered up and steampunked out Avery Brooks? Michael Duncan Clarke. Dressed just like Sisko. ***** He welcomes them to "Steinau" — which is not nearly a good enough name for Gay Pride Steampunk Land. *****

But more importantly — how much does V Penn pay to get these guest stars? ***** More importantly still — will Omarosa show up too? ***** That's some serious badass freeze framed on my TV right now. It's too much BAMF for any one set, especially not in HD. The show has to go to Blueout.™ 

Blueout™

MCD has turned out to be the mayor. I dub him Mayor Super Sexy Velvet for obvious reasons. ***** We're in a very similiar — like the same set in a slightly different configuration ***** — room as Mayor BS's office. Rebecca's on the tail end of her awesome, "We're Grimms, give us Grimms stuff and we'll stop the Avvies." speech but Mayor Super Sexy Velvet isn't buying it. He tells the Grimms that the Avvie Incursion problem _isn't_ a problem for his villiage as the Avvies never look beyond the window dressing outside. "They seem to have convinced themselves that we're a 'locked level'. We leave sparkly trinkets. They never wonder why the doors don't open and the windows don't show anything. They just go away to 'level up' and try again later."

Ryan protests that even if they are surviving better than the other villages — why haven't they told the others. ***** Sisko looks openly amazed and Mayor Super Sexy Velvet just says other villages don't trust or believe them. Rebecca's question of why not just makes Sisko scoff and Mayor Super Sexy Velvet look thoughtful. Dante starts to give input, but he's interrupted by Mayor Super Sexy Velvet getting up and leaning menacingly over Rebecca. Both Ryan and Dante protest, but Mayor Super Sexy Velvet just rumbles that Rebecca doesn't seem afraid of him. *****

Well, she does _now_ — thanks for that! 

Before anyone can respond, Mayor Super Sexy Velvet states he doesn't know if they're really _Grimms_ , but he does believe they come from the same world. Sisko says that it doesn't matter, but Mayor Super Sexy Velvet says that they will give them a chance to prove themselves, nonetheless. If they are Grimms, then they will be given artifacts — which, yes, the village has. Ryan — who has finally learned — warily asks just how they're going to prove themselves.

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet grins and tells him, "You're going to slay the dragon, of course."

 _Of course._ The Grimms exchange "oh shit" looks and we land into — 

Commercial.

We come back and the Grimms are back in the meadow outside the village with Mayor Super Sexy Velvet and Sisko, who has their book, much to Ryan's chagrin. Sisko — who is kinda an asshole, quite frankly — finally fakes dropping it and Mayor Super Sexy Velvet takes it from him while Rebecca once again pulls her brother off. Ryan starts doing breathing exercises with Dante. Hee.

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet proves how smart he is by correctly identifying Rebecca as the boss. He asks her how the book works. Rebecca tells him that where they are from, they are programmers and there's a type of language that will send the Avvies away. Mayor Super Sexy Velvet tells her they are aware of the programming code, but have had no success accessing it or changing it. Rebecca's startled by that — it is a little like Neo telling Morpheus, 'Oh yeah, the Matrix. Totally know about it already. Gimme my pill.' — but she doesn't say anything as she takes the book back. 

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet indicates that the Grimms should remain there and tells Dante that he'll have to come with Sisko and him. Dante doesn't want to go but Mayor Super Sexy Velvet says that they must prove themselves by themselves without the ability to teleport away. I don't know if Dante agrees with it, but both Grimms nod at him to play along.

As they walk away, Ryan asks just what the hell they're supposed to do and Mayor Super Sexy Velvet cheerfully tells him to "just stay alive". Rebecca yells to ask just where this dragon they're supposed to defeat _is_ , but no one answers her.

Ryan looks at her and asks if banning the entire _village_ is out of the question. My, he is cranky when they don't bow, isn't he?

We cut to Dante and Sisko, walking slightly behind Mayor Super Sexy Velvet who awesomely opens a _bush_ and reveals it to be a trompe l'oeil painting on yet another Wow-That's-A-Big-Door door. Sisko seems to be waiting for Dante to have a reaction and Dante gets a little of his BAMFness back by smirking, "Oh, I knew it wasn't real."

Off Sisko's look, he half glows his eyes and tells him, "I have very good eyesight."

Rock on, Dante. Rock on.

There's a cut and apparently some time has passed because the Grimms are stretched out in the meadow now. The book is open behind them and they are playing the cloud game and Ryan is trying to convince Rebecca that the current one is either a bat, the bat signal or batman. Heh.

Inside Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's Truman Show Production Room — no really — Mayor Super Sexy Velvet plays mother and passes some tea to Sisko and Dante. Dante's dubious of the tea — and truthfully, I was surprised when it turned out not to be drugged. But Dante finally drinks and Mayor Super Sexy Velvet asks how Dante came to be traveling with heroes.

And as carefree and childish as Matt's portrayed Dante up until now, it's a turn to see how quiet and calculating he is in this scene. ***** He and the others fence around — Dante says that the Grimms don't see him as a villain and never have. It's not a trick. Mayor Super Sexy Velvet seems more open to the thought than Sisko — prompting Dante to point out that the Grimms don't like Sisko because he "just isn't a nice person." HEE.

But yeah — the unfunny business from the forums threatens to overwhelm the show — the implication is that they are expecting the Grimms to discriminate against PoCs. Why _Matt Bomer_ is included in that grouping is anyone's guess. *****

Dante ends the discussion by saying that he trusts the Grimms with his life and goes to go stare at them through Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's Truman Show Production Room's window. He, of course, completely misses the Looks of Foreshadowing that Mayor Super Sexy Velvet and Sisko share over his declaration.

Dragonslayer Meadow. The Grimms simultaneously realize that the current cloud doesn't _look like_ wings — those are _actually_ wings attached to an _actual dragon_ coming at them.

They scramble to the book and pop up some HUD. Ryan instantly taps something on the display and the dragon blips out of existence behind them. There's much I don't like about the episode and this is one of the things I'm torn on. On one hand, if the Grimms artifacts are supposed to be the biggest, baddest thing, then I like that they show them as such. All they have to do is click a few things and push a button and it works as such. But on the other hand, this is going to get very boring, very, _very_ quickly if this is how they deal with all their problems. *****

Ryan calls out that they're done and as he does so, the ground at their feet _explodes_ as another — significantly larger — dragon springs out, breathing fire. Rebecca distracts this dragon and Ryan grabs the book and makes _this_ dragon disappear to. He starts to call out to the others again, but Rebecca proves once again which Grimm is the smart one by snapping at him to check for others. 

The HUD gets a quick reference and apparently it is all clear. Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's Truman Show Production Room begins to open, but Dante teleports to them before it even cracks enough to let in light. Mayor Super Sexy Velvet finds the evidence that Dante could have teleported them out at any time amusing. Even Sisko does — which, really, makes everyone in the audience know what's coming next. *****

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's super sexy velvet voice booms out that the Grimms are Heroes and Programmers — and calls out for his people to come meet them. And boy do they ever. Basically the reveal is that Dragonslayer Meadow is only really the size of someone's back yard. All the villagers are PoCs who have varying levels of mistrust towards the Grimms. I don't think it's a racist issue as much as it is an _out numbered_ issue ***** — but Rebecca definitely looks uncomfortable. Dante walks over and holds her hand — mirroring her movements from the beginning of the show. Awwww. *****

Ryan looks over at Mayor Super Sexy Velvet and asks for the Grimms artifacts. Mayor Super Sexy Velvet tells him that he misunderstood. The dragon test only proved that they were legitimate sorcerers — they still have to prove they are also _Grimms._

Ryan doesn't look that surprised that it's not that easy and instead just says that it isn't sorcery. Sisko laughs and says that it is. Rebecca says that it's just _programming_ and is laughed at in turn for just using semantics. Sisko suggests asking the dragons if they care about the terminology. The Grimms shut up. Heh. *****

Blueout™

We're now in a ... blacksmithy? Some place appropriately steampunkish with forges and vats of molten something or another. We've gone too long without Chester for me to care significantly about it. More yummy leather bound PoCs are next to the Grimms and Dante — all are just way to close to the molten metal for my comfort level.

Ryan? Rebecca? These are not overly nice people. DON'T STAND NEXT TO THE MOLTEN METAL AND GIVE THEM STINK EYES.

Dante appears to have a death grip on Rebecca by this point and because of this, his hands are occupied as one of the background players sneaks behind him and throws a hood over his head. Once Dante cannot see — and cannot teleport — everyone grabs at the Grimms. I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE THEM STINK EYES. DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO GIVE THEM STINK EYES?

And they have the nerve to look _surprised_ by this turn of events. I'm half ready to give up on this stupid show. *****

Everyone has started yelling. The Grimms asking what the hell's going on, Dante having a loud freakout (and I must agree with the forums on this — Dante appears to be claustrophobic *****), and Sisko yelling back that they haven't completed their tests and now they can't just teleport away. *****

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet booms for everyone to shut the fuck up and instantly everyone does. ***** He then asks if anyone else heard "that noise" — and suddenly I'm invested in the show again because CHESTER HAS SHOWN UP TO SAVE US FROM THE BORING SHIT. *****

Sure enough, Chester's voice is coming from the book (now in Sisko's possession) and Sisko opens it. There's no FairySkype™ but Chester must have heard some of what went on before, because he asks what's going on. Dante whines that he can't see or breathe through his hood. Ryan points out that they're kinda busy and perhaps Chester could call back later.

The HUD beeps and Chester sounds slightly frantic as he asks if the Cypher Server is correct in telling him that the Grimms are in Sentau. Rebecca confirms it and Ryan just asks, "Boss?" in the same tone of voice you would say "Daddy?"

Everyone on the planet stops to ship Ryan/Chester. *****

Chester starts speaking _very_ rapidly. Seriously, I suspect Joe Flanigan got David Hewlett to coach him. He's telling them that the server files are in "edit mode", yelling at the Tweedles to put them in edit mode and then telling the Grimms to "build" and whatever shows up — "build something different." He ominously tells Dante that he's "so very sorry, kid. Really." And then he signs off before he "make[s] it _worse_."

The Grimms look at each other slightly puzzled but that's nothing compared to the open mouthed gaping Sisko's doing to the book still in his hand. HEE. Sisko — meet Chester. You don't stand a chance. Just fall in love now and avoid the rush. *****

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet regains his composure first and dryly remarks that Chester "seems interesting." He signals to the guards and the Grimms are moved to a circle on the floor and Dante is moved to a similar circle opposite from them.

Sure enough, surprising only the ones too bored to pay attention, the vats of molten metal swing overhead. As Sisko tosses the book to Ryan, Mayor Super Sexy Velvet (aka Mayor Horrifically Evil, Sweet Jaysus) motions to yet more unnamed flunkies who unceremoniously begin dumping the molten metal _onto their heads._

Fortunately, Ryan and Rebecca don't miss a beat and have the book open and have started punching at the HUD before Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's even started moving. Vortex Branches shoot out of the floor (and on repeated viewing, Alona Tal does some excellent green screen acting and flinches from them) and create domed arches over _both_ the Grimms and Dante. They morph into lead and the molten metal rolls to the sides with no damage.

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet calls a halt to all the fuckery and booms out, "Grimms! They return in our hour of need! Heroes for _all_!!!"

And everyone present — except Sisko — kneels. Rebecca's not sure what to make of that but Ryan just looks like he thinks it about fucking time — and race!fail or not, I've got to agree with him.

Sisko pretends he's not kneeling so he can get the hood off of Dante who instantly teleports to get his well deserved hug from the Grimms. The adorable leads to —

Commercial.

We come back and we're back in Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's office — which apparently _is_ the airship. Don't pretend that's not cool. 

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet is presenting the Grimms with a quill and glasses — he's making quite a production of it too. Both Grimms look impatient but the point seems to be to give Sisko time to pull Dante aside. Dante warily follows him back to the passenger area — and smilingly insists that Sisko stay between him and the open windows.

Sisko doesn't even comment, and hands Dante a book. He tells Dante that he's truly sorry for putting him through all that and that Dante seems to be decent enough for a teleporter.

Dante takes the book and tells Sisko that the Grimms book calls him "heroic" and that he's never met any other teleporters. He was found as an infant by the people of Bremen half drowned in a carriage which had fallen into a river. The bodies of what were presumed to be his parents were buried and the villagers took Dante in.

Sisko seems to ponder that and then nods at the book, telling Dante that it is a record of Sentau's knowledge about teleporters. He gives us the highlights:

* Somewhere there is a village full of them. A _village full of Dantes_ — the internet exploding made me miss the other points the first time through.  
* The last time Sentau had a run in with a teleporter, said teleporter escaped heading towards Bremen. Sentau tried to warn them but were not believed.  
* Sentau helped develop a magic metal that prevents them from teleporting — the metals made into chains and even cells...      * Off Dante's look, he clarifies that it would be impractical to make into a carriage. Sisko's never heard of a teleporter that drowned and he's also never heard of a teleporter whose parents weren't teleporters.

Sisko returns to Mayor Super Sexy Velvet's office and leaves Dante staring at the book. We get it Show. Those weren't Dante's parents — or at least, there's a good chance his father's Chester. Stop throwing anvils at us!

The Grimms have finally been given the quill and glasses — which actually turn out to be a set of quills and the glasses are more goggle/visor things now that I properly look at them. Everyone looks expectantly at the Grimms so after a quick back and forth, Rebecca convinces Ryan to put on the funky goggles. They light up slightly and everyone get's distracted by Ryan's "o" mouth. *****

Apparently, they are the Matrix Goggles and allow them to see the code. He stumbles a bit for one of the quills and starts writing in the air with it — causing Vortex branches to make a table in front of him. Rebecca stabs the table with another quills and it ceases to exist. Insert witty comment about the pen and sword here. 

No, too late — Ryan just took off the goggles and beat us to it — complete with eyebrow waggling at Rebecca, who rolls her eyes at him. Sisko comments on how easily they use the artifacts as Dante comes in. As a recapper, I watch these things several times, and I've got to agree with the forums — he's drawing attention to the fact that Dante wasn't in the room. If it is on purpose, well, even Helpful Version Sisko is a bit of an asshole. Either way, Ryan most definitely sees that Dante wasn't there and waggles the quill at him to show off the new toy. Dante only manages a half smile and worries Ryan.

Mayor Super Sexy Velvet tells the Grimms that while Sentau knew what the artifacts did, no one has been able to make them work since the Grimms left Dominion "ages" ago. Ryan saves me having to snark that by questioning the "ages" but Mayor Super Sexy Velvet only finds it "interesting" that it wasn't that long for the Grimms.

Rebecca interrupts and asks if they're free to go. She doesn't even have the word "go" out before Dante blueouts to their side and —

Blueout™

The three of them are on the ground, airship in the sky behind them.

Blueout™

Dragonslayer Meadow. Ryan's laughing; Dante's grinning; Rebecca's falling over and protesting she wasn't ready. HEE.

Blueout™

The meadow they came in at. Dante has to let go of Ryan to catch Rebecca. Matt actually completely picks up Alona — 1. Woof. 2. She seems startled but determined not to break. 3. Jensen is very obviously NOT making eye contact to keep from cracking up. — I think this is a bit of improvisation on Matt's part.

At any rate, Dante catches Rebecca and calmly tells her that yes, it was time to go. At which point, all three burst into giggles and just like that, I love the show again.

As they start walking back to Bremen, Rebecca pokes a rock with her quill and it pops out of existence. She comments that the server must still be in "edit mode" and explains to ~~the audience~~ Dante that "edit mode" is the reason the quills work. Ryan further clarifies "not sorcery" to which Dante looks dubious. Ryan hands over the quill and tells Dante, "Here. Go kill a rock."

I notice they have _not_ stopped walking away from Gay Pride Steampunk Land this entire time. HEE.

Dante stabs a rock and nothing happens. The Grimms gape. Ryan takes the quill and stabs it. POOF. No rock.

HA. *****

Dante manages not to laugh in their faces, but it's okay. The entire audience is. Ryan weakly insists that this is just programming. Rebecca goes into complete denial and changes the subject. She asks if they should tell Chester to take the server out of edit mode. Ryan's still too shaken and just shakes his head and says they will later.

Dante takes the opening to check on his book in his bag and ask what Chester's like. Ryan says he's larger than life — which has to be the best understatement ever. Rebecca starts in with, "One time.." *****

AND THEN THE EPISODE ENDS. YOU COME BACK HERE AND TELL ME CHESTER STORIES. I DO NOT NEED "GOD ONLY KNOWS" STUCK IN MY HEAD. I NEED —

Oh. Nevermind. _The credits are going to tell me even better Chester stories!_

Yes, this week, next to the usual credit crawl are various newspaper clippings. 1865: Our first paper is an account of [Jefferson Davis' capture while in drag](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/jefferson-davis-captured) — including a "young Charles" who seems baffled that he was wearing a dress. 

[The ASPCA was founded in 1866. ](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/aspca-is-founded) There's an artist's drawing and a guy that is possibly Chester front and center. Don't worry. It gets better. Later that same year, [someone robs a train](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/the-reno-brothers-carry-out-the-first-train-robbery-in-us-history) for the first time ever. There is a random article about [blue jeans](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/levi-strauss-and-jacob-davis-receive-patent-for-blue-jeans). There's a mountain in Colorado with a [cross made of snow](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/elusive-mount-of-the-holy-cross-photographed). Guess who got a picture of it. 

In 1887, Chester starts [Groundhog Day](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/first-groundhog-day). I want that story. I want that story so bad. *****

1896: In what the forums think is a Supernatural shout-out, another artist sketch has Chester witnessing [the hanging of HH Holmes](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/a-serial-killer-is-hanged). We then get articles about the Titanic, and like the episode, there's some quotes from survivors that the impact "sounded like a dragon's roar." HEE. The next year some guy named [ Rudolf Diesel vanishes without a trace.](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/inventor-rudolf-diesel-vanishes) To be fair, Chester looks slightly embarrassed in the gainy pic. He's face palming. 

[In 1927, Babe Ruth](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/babe-ruth-hits-60th-homer-of-1927-season) gets a bat from Chester. That same year, Chester's photographed with an umbrella making stink eyes at a _teapot_ — which apparently caused[ a flood.](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/heavy-rain-leads-to-flooding-in-new-england) In 1933, Loch Ness goes nuts over [Nessie sightings](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/loch-ness-monster-sighted). But it's not until 1935 that [Canned beer](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/first-canned-beer-goes-on-sale) becomes a thing. There's no mention of Chester, but I take it he swore off tea?

1962: There's a bookie receipt with this one. Apparently Chester won a bet when [Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a game against the Knicks.](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/wilt-chamberlain-scores-100-points) SNERK. But he's not always good for sports — somehow Chester is to blame for the [1978 Mud Bowl](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NFL_playoffs,_1977-78#NFC:_Minnesota_Vikings_14.2C_Los_Angeles_Rams_7). Oh dear. Was it the teapot?

1984: I don't want to know what he had to do with [Spinal Tap.](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/spinal-tap-stages-a-quotcomebackquot-at-cbgbs-in-new-york-city) In 1991, he turns up with [a Mark Twain manuscript](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/long-lost-twain-manuscript-authenticated) and is quoted saying he's going to use the profits to make his own software company. 1994: Chester helps open [the English Channel](http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/english-channel-tunnel-opens). Do you even doubt it?

Until next time! Rocks Fall.


	5. 105: Nix, Nought, Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That despised first season episode that causes all the wank. 
> 
> In reallife, I manage to get out that Dante is bi and hope I get better at this crap.
> 
> In fakelife, WANK ENSUES. Rocks Fall gets fed up with the show and threatens to walk. A Dante fanatic will post a rant against the episode that gets her the nickname "Dominion Xena" which becomes a rallying point for the crazy Dante fans who believe that Matt Bomer is being held against his will portraying Alona's love interest. There's race!wank as Jacob does a heel turn and Beyonce manages to get sold and sell herself in 40 minutes.
> 
> In Dominion, Rebecca and Ryan try to protect another town from the growing number of Avvie Incursions. Dante tries to save them from themselves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fandom Note: This is the episode everyone hates and fandom ends up having to apologize for forever. In the production backstory, FOX has insisted that their shows place the current season's American Idol judges into roles. On _Grimms_ , they also inserted their own director and writer for the episode — leading to an episode that instead of pointing out how much the European fairy tales fail, _wallows and perpetuates it._ Cinematically, the guest director tries his damnedest, but the script calls for several scenes that do not follow either the Grimms or Dante's pov — something only done for Chester in Reality previously. Ryan and Rebecca's intelligence goes down several notches, as the writer seems to think they should still be learning their powers, rather than be the accomplished programmers we had already shown them to be. *****
> 
> The episode has precious few takeaways — all snuck in by Sara ***** during script polishing under FOX's radar, but they won't be appreciated until later: Dante's far more politically savvy than the Grimms' or his previous behavior would indicate. Dante's open bi-sexuality statement will actually get a nod from LGBT communities — infuriating feminists that they are awarding an episode where the _central b plot_ involves selling women as brides. 
> 
> Most fans mockingly encourage rewatches to "just stop watching the second Jacob shows up." There is a brief revival of interest in the episode when someone swears that the album _This Is Spinal Tap_ can be played along ala _The Wall_ as a _Wizard of Oz_ alternate soundtrack. This is widely debunked. *****
> 
> ONTO THE RECAP.

**Rocks Fall** here — still here — because even though this show is going off the rails, I will never leave my fabulous astral husband, Charles Chester. Even if Narrator Sarcasm insists on stealing my duties for the previouslies.

Narrator Sarcasm: Previously on _Grimms_ , the Grimms were pulled from Reality to Dominion — a world they helped create for a video game. Their boss, Charles Chester, wants to get to Dominion and says he wants to help them get home. (Narrator Sarcasm sounds just as dubious as the rest of us.) Dominion has legends and artifacts about the Brothers Grimm — these work for Rebecca and Ryan, who think it's just computer programming, but it's magic. No matter how much Ryan denies it. (OK, the shot of Dante failing to kill a rock and the Grimms reaction to it is still funny.) Their friend, Dante, has a secret past that's coming to light — and it may be connected to Charles Chester — (ooo, they did a rapid slideshow of all the old photos from last episode's credits and morph them into current Chester.) who is much older than he should be.

You know, even when we're astrally married, I don't think I'm going to be able to call him "Charles" — it just doesn't work for me. Luckily, there's an except from _The Official Guide_ that seems to imply he made up his first and middle name.

We come in on Ryan and Rebecca surrounded by Vortex Branches. As the branches retract, they appear to be standing in New York City. No, you didn’t miss the episode where they get back home. As the camera pulls further back, we see behind the buildings and it’s a facade. The Grimms have apparently stolen Mayor Super Sexy Velvet’s idea and are creating fake towns for the Avvies to raid.

The retreating vortex branches also reveal a group of Elders and a Mayor who look very very dubious about both the Vortex Branches and the Grimms.

Ryan is telling the Mayor not to worry that the facade will work and has worked in other towns. The Mayor lets forth a long winded boring speech which Ryan cuts off with a yawn. HEE. Rebecca elbows him and apologies for the rudeness and claims facade building takes a lot out of them. The Mayor doesn’t look convinced and haughtily wants to know what the Grimms want for their service.

Ryan and Rebecca look startled at the mention of payment and try to waive off — saying they just want to help. The mayor looks even MORE insulted at the idea of charity. Rebecca tries to smooth things over — explaining that Ryan is the Hero of This Story and he’s just doing his duty. This confuses the Elders who insist that The Hero of This Story is working for a reward.

Ryan and Rebecca are flummoxed and the Mayor offers that they had said they were looking for Grimms artifacts. They jump all over that and he yells for someone to bring forth the artifacts. The Vortex Branches are as fed up with this as we are and swirl into credits.

 

 _Credits._ After the credits, we come back to Dante alone at a Ye Olde Coffee Shop cafe table with the book he got from Sisko last episode and playing with a roll. He's outside and the surrounding tables are empty as patrons have crammed themselves into tables as far away from him as possible. They are staring and whispering — the only one I could clearly make out was: No! The Hero says he's heroic, but I still don't trust those looks! — because Matt Bomer is so hard to look at. *rolls eyes* 

Dante is ignoring all the nonsense by flipping through the book intently. Rebecca comes over and sits beside him to show him a canteen. He makes room for it by putting the book in his messenger bag, subtly making sure she didn't see it. It's fairly well done, I didn't recognize it the first time through. Rebecca doesn't seem to notice anything odd, she just says that they've successfully locked out the avvies from the town and have earned the "Canteen of the Brothers Grimm" with an eyeroll and gesture to said thermos.

Dante picks it up and asks what it does as Ryan joins them and seats himself across. Ryan grins and says it doesn't do a damn thing — it's just a canteen. Rebecca leans over and mutters not to repeat that because the townspeople were so insistent on paying for their service.

Dante: ooo _keeping secrets_ — what's it worth to you?  
Ryan: You _are_ flirting!

Dante and Rebecca look slightly alarmed and Ryan quickly clarifies that he thought Dante was gay. Rebecca laughs and Dante just repeats the word. Ryan begins to stammer about how Dante used to flirt with _him_ — which Dante confirms and notes that Ryan wasn't interested so he stopped.

There's just no way this isn't going to cause a war on my forums. _Thanks so much, Show._ Okay, folks, REMEMBER YOUR OPTIONS:

a) Dante is bi, Ryan is straight and the show is just telling us.  
b) Dante is bi, Ryan is closeted and fanfic will put it all to rights.  
c) Dante is bi, Ryan — and their creator V Penn — are homophobic assholes intent on breaking his fictional heart in the name of promoting some bizarre Hollywood thing.

If you pick Option C, I think you're an idiot and if you attack people I will ban you. Bitch about how unfair it all is on your own blogs.

Oblivious to my pain, Rebecca clues in on the fact that Dante is bisexual and not gay. Dante still doesn't know what they mean. What follows is a cute but embarrassment squick filled discussion where they proceed to clue Dante in that not everyone is sexually attracted to EVERYONE. And then have to clarify that they don't mean "just everyone pretty" too. HEE. I love you, Dante.

Dante finally realizes what they mean and proceeds to question Ryan about every man they've met like he's trying to place him on a Kinsey scale. Rebecca is highly amused by this and additionally asks about Tweedle Cyril and Chester.

I find it very interesting how flustered Ryan gets about Chester and he asks how the hell they ended up in this discussion. Dante insists that they cannot possibly be right and that most people are "normal" like him. Oh honey, even if you're right about the sexuality — you're never gonna be normal. Ryan just puts his head down on the table, so Dante asks Rebecca about herself.

Rebecca decides that Ryan's right — the conversation's over. Heh.

Dante proves that he's not completely clueless by changing the subject and asking if they're ready to leave. Ryan looks up and says they can't; the Elders have invited them to a celebration festival the next day called "The Rejoicing" — _why_ do they let V Penn name things? *****

Dante's nodding when Rebecca announces that speaking of festivals, she's got to go borrow the bakery — apparently she's agreed to make a raffle basket. Dante is first startled then huffy that she's never baked him anything. _Very huffy._

Before either Grimm has a chance to react to it, a villager runs up and tells them a building has collapsed — which is just a shameless excuse to run to a —

Commercial.

Sure enough, when we come back from commercial, the Grimms and Dante are already set up in front of a building and Oh. My. God.

As mentioned earlier, the Grimms have made the village safe. They have also apparently stolen the facade idea from Sentau and built a facade around the town so the Avvies won't notice. But being Grimms, they made it New York City. And then the villagers decided it needed color — the Mayor is saying that they have noticed that the Avvies like shiny things. 

Remember that the next time you blindly follow something glowing in a video game.

So what's happened is they have glittered that bastard up. The Empire State building looks like a cupcake. Someone needs to drug test the entire production design department for this show. *****

The point to it all is that some villager climbed the set decoration to paint it and the entire thing came down on everyone. The Grimms do their thing with the book to pick it up off them and Dante blueports (™ malspants) someone off another set top.

The Mayor gets weirded out by Dante blueporting like an Avvie and stiffly asks if he's going to participate in the Rejoicing. Dante's reaction is only slightly less than, "Oh hell no." but he does manage to genuinely thank the Mayor for the invitation.

Blueout™

It's apparently The Rejoicing festival and Dante's back moping at his table when Rebecca comes up behind him and hands him a cupcake. It's an obvious peace offering for the huffiness before and they are an adorable couple.

Dante accepts the cupcake with a confused smile. He asks what's in the basket she's carrying and when she tells him that it's more baked goods, he blinks at it for a while before slowly cracking up. He pulls himself together long enough to tell her that she doesn't understand what kind of festival this is.

Rebecca rather warily reveals that the Rejoicing is just some sort of celebration - a word that gets a giggle from Dante - and that the baskets are a fundraiser to help rebuild the town.

Dante pulls himself together to say that it's to help rebuild the town's _population._ Rebecca gets confused and asks how — much to Dante's delight, he tells her that the basket auction is a way for all the single ladies — okay, wording mine. I'm amazed V Penn managed to avoid that pun. — for all the single ladies of the town to promote themselves and for eligible men to express their intention.

Rebecca cracks up and realizes she's inadvertently placed herself in a bachelorette auction. Dante confirms it and while subtly denying he was jealous, he says he was surprised Rebecca was willing to stay here for a week —

The only thing missing is a cartoon record scratch as Rebecca's smile disappears and she asks what the hell he means by a _week._

Apparently, Dominion's bachelorette auctions have taken a page from reality tv shows. The basket is just the first round. Once a bachelor buys a bachelorette, he then takes her home for a week to live together. At the end of the week, if he likes her, he marries her.

Rebecca is obviously struggling with that "Don't kill the messenger" adage when she verifies it's if the man doesn't like the woman — who gets bought, not by mutual decision, but by highest bid.

Dante shows that brain of his again by correcting deducing that there is something wrong and slowly backing away. She just keeps following him and asking if that's the general idea until she's scares him enough that he actually blueports away. Okay, that was funny. Especially as Alona looks like she'd break in half if he hugged her too hard. *****

With no Dante to kill, Rebecca gets a determined look on her face and goes marching into this town's version of YOWA. On the way she passes several women with baskets, including a blink and you'll miss it glimpse of Danneel Harris-Ackles. Which is just fucking hilarious, screw you, angry fangirls. Rebecca is still carrying her basket - which becomes important because she marches onto the stage set up inside.

The auctioneer obviously thinks she is just "eager" and starts listing her attributes. He gets to "Alarmingly intelligent" which snaps Rebecca out of the silent shock she was in and starts "The Rant"

I cannot do "The Rant" justice - nor can I properly transcribe it. Rebecca's decibel levels go beyond human hearing at two points and she is talking so fast that even the closed captioning gives up and says, "Speaking rapidly and angrily" for most of it.

The auctioneer needs to add "impressive lung capacity" to that list of attributes. When she FINALLY runs out of breath, she stands there panting at them all. The camera scans the room full of open mouthed horrified men. Several of them already had their baskets and are either trying to hide them, give them back or avoid the eyes of the bachelorette they bought. The bachelorettes are staring at Rebecca in confusion. Then Dante's revealed to have snuck into the back of the auditorium — because really, would you have missed that either?

The auctioneer tries to recover and looks around for a way to get rid of her. He lifts the gavel and it's questionable if he means to tap the podium or hit Rebecca over the head. Dante - highly amused at this point - yeah, you're brave when you're _across the crowded hall_ , Blueport™ Boy - puts us all out of our misery by taking change out of his pocket. After a quick count, he calls out, "10 steel" and the auctioneer hastily shouts, "SOLD!"

Rebecca opens her mouth to protest, but Dante blueports™ and stuffs one of her own cupcakes into her mouth. He bustles her off the stage before she can recover.

Whew.

Back outside, Rebecca's got the cupcake out and is swatting at Dante, who's taking them fairly good-naturedly so I doubt she's putting any effort into them. He lets go and cuts her off before we get "The Rant, The Sequel" by pointing out that he agrees with what she just said. Off of her look, he clarifies "Well the parts I could understand." 

You and me both, Dante.

Dante is too fucking charming to be resisted and serves to take the piss out of Rebecca. She gives him a half smile and calms down. After a returning smile from Dante, she even looks a little sheepish and notes that they probably won't be asking her to stay the week after all. Dante grins and _hugs her._

Dante Aesop. Universal Chemistry Donor.

From offscreen, Ryan's voice is muffled and asks what's going on. The camera pans and — Jensen Ackles can fit a Buick in his cheeks — Ryan is shown stuffing something resembling a cookie into an already overwhelmed maw.

He swallows half of it down and asks if Rebecca's basket didn't sell. Dante looks fascinated and asks what he's eating. Rebecca more pointedly asks where he got it.

Yes, Ryan has bought a basket. Rebecca cheers up immensely and asks where her sister-in-law-to-be is. Ryan turns deathly pale and stammers — spitting food out all over the place. Dante pats him on the back and looks curiously on the ground, asking if one item is "a whole egg" while yet another off screen voice says that Ryan bought her basket.

It's Beyonce.

Oh Show. Oh innocent, stupid show. You just had a WHITE GUY BUY BEYONCE. The fail is so epic it triggers a commercial.

Commercial.

While we waiting, I should point out that the stunt casting to tie in Beyonce's guest AI judging appearance would not have been completely in Show's control. But that doesn't even appease my own sense of outrage, so let's get on with it.

NotYOWA's patio of exposition

Dante's keeping Beyonce entertained as the Grimms whisper conference. Rebecca fills Ryan in on the rules for the Reality TV he's signed up for. It's boring exposition.

Guess who shows up when the Show gets boring and full of exposition.

CHESTER. OH MY GOD, CHESTER, RUN! SAVE YOURSELF FROM THIS EPISODE. IT IS WORSE THAN THE TIME THEY KILLED PAUL BETTANY.

Unable to hear me as he is a fictional character on a stupid tv show, Chester's voice calls from the book. Beyonce asks Dante if the book just talked — mirroring Dante and Ryan's initial reaction. Dante says that Grimms things do all sorts of weird things and calmly opens the book while Ryan tells him not too. Heh.

Chester's hologram pops up and asks where they are now. He sounds slightly annoyed and claims he can't locate them. He would ask his best programmers to work on it but they are stuck in the problem he needs them to fix. He gives himself a shake and smiles at Dante and Beyonce. "Hi, kid, making friends?"

I really don't think "kid" is anything other than a word, but Dante and half the viewing audience act like Darth Vader showed up to say he's the father.

Oh, fandom.

Ryan starts to close the book rather than explain what's going on, but Rebecca stops him and tells Chester they're in Dumbarton — which I was going to mock, but that's [a real place](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dumbarton) apparently — and that it's a Rejoicing Festival. Chester laughs and asks if they got hitched and then immediately laughs harder as he realizes they _did._

Then, because he is FABULOUS, he stops laughing to ask in a whisper if they got hitched _to each other._ Joe Flanigan's past experience with fans pays off as he doesn't sound _horrified_ so much as _contemplative._ Rebecca hurriedly corrects him and says that Ryan bought Beyonce's basket. Prompting her to finally ask Beyonce's name. It's Chrissy - but the fuck if I'm calling her that. 

Rebecca looks down at the basket still on her own arm and finally clues in that Dante bought _her_. Dante sees the gears clicking and rapidly asks Chester why he called. Chester repeats that the Grimms book has stronger mojo than anything and apparently, Cheshire Software Ltd is no longer able to control. He called to warn them that Avvies are likely to increase as in Reality all this fuckery is manifesting itself as billing errors.

So all the monthly subscriptions are waived and people can play for free in multiple instances.

Oh good god, I don't play World of Warcraft, but yeah, that would make my cousins disappear for _years._

Ryan looks a little worried and notes that Chester seems remarkably calm for someone losing hundreds of thousands of dollars. Rebecca's asking some technobabble question that makes Chester coo at her again.

Rebecca then sums it up (DRINK!) and says that even though they are making the towns safe, a huge influx of Avvies are going to be able to work out there's too many towns hidden. They might work out that it's a facade.

Dante points out that Gay Pride Steampunk has been working so far, but Ryan tells him that if enough Avvies work together, they're going to see holes on the map and start trying to break through.

Beyonce steals Rebecca's job and asks if that means the "fix" they figured out last episode now doesn't work. Making the Rejoicing Festival premature. Ryan says that's exactly what it means and they should warn the Elders.

Beyonce stops him and points out that her village has been _decimated_ by the Avvies and there's only a handful left. If Ryan takes away their hope after just giving it to them, the reaction is going to be "unpleasant."

And then Sisko shows up.

No, really.

Jacob from last episode suddenly walks up and tells them Beyonce is right but it must be done. It is completely unworthy of the DUN! moment it is given - it's more WTF? - but hey - anything to make this episode go away.

Commercial.

We come back and Dante — who was closest to Jacob when we left — has hidden himself behind Ryan. Sisko is protesting that there aren't even any cliffs around and Dante can _teleport._ Ryan confirms that Jacob is correct and Dante just looks betrayed. Rebecca asks what Sisko wants.

Sisko has come in peace, y'all. 

Apparently, what Chester just said has come true — a larger number of Avvies have come through and although Sentau is holding its own, it is obvious that the Avvies know the village is hidden.

Ryan looks surprised that they are asking for help. Sisko claims he _isn't_ but apparently Mayor Super Sexy Velvet is being true to his word last episode and has sent Sisko to warn their neighbors.

Everyone takes a moment to absorb the idea of Sisko on a diplomatic mission. Beyonce actually decides to do something this episode and introduces herself, welcomes Sisko and thanks him for coming with the news. She suggests they go to the Elders.

Ryan points out that he had that idea _five minutes ago_ but Beyonce just shrugs. Sisko seems charmed and says that Beyonce was merely pointing out that the Elders would not take the news well. But as Sisko is only half a day ahead of a group of Avvies, there is no other choice.

They head through town to find the Elders and Sisko gets to see the facades. He's asking the Grimms if they are fireproof and Rebecca looks startled that they would need to be. It is just one more thing to hate about this episode. The Grimms are supposed to be game _designers_ — shouldn't they know what kind of weaponry the gamers have to use against them? Dante is bringing up the rear and is watching Sisko very oddly.

The group finds the Elders and Beyonce quickly introduces "Jacob, traveling hero from Sentau." Dante is the only one who looks questionable and the word "hero" works it's magic. Everyone in the vicinity immediately stops what they are doing and Ryan and Sisko start coordinating places to hide until the group goes through.

Dante pulls Rebecca to the side and is alarmed at trusting Sisko. Rebecca picks up that this is more than the fact that Sisko once threw him off a cliff. Dante insists Sisko cannot be trusted. Rebecca gets an uncomfortable look on her face and asks if this is about "appearance" — finally admitting there is a large race!fail problem in Dominion. Dante starts finger counting all the reasons not to trust them:

1\. They hid when the rest of Dominion was dying.  
2\. They tried to kill the Grimms.  
3\. Twice.  
4\. They tried to kill Dante.  
5\. Also twice.  
(He is momentarily flustered by the lack of fingers to continue until he remembers his other hand. Matt Bomer, ladies and gentlemen. Trying to spin gold from this crap.)  
6\. They tried to turn Dante against the Grimms.

Rebecca starts pulling fingers to her until she is holding his one hand.  
1\. They didn't think anyone would believe them — which Dante is kinda proving at the moment.  
2\. They were testing the Grimms.  
3\. Twice.  
4\. Dante can teleport.  
5\. The Grimms wouldn't let him die.

And then as she's holding his hand she grabs the remaining finger and says she doesn't believe it matters since she trusts Dante and knows he would never turn against them. Dante melts — or just slumps his shoulders. Either way, he's obviously torn between wanting to kiss her and shake her for being so naive. He does smile and tell her she's not understanding how dangerous perception can be.

Ryan interrupts the moment by yelling that the Avvies are here.

Sure enough, the camera pulls up past Ryan and coming out of the forest is a large number of Avvies. Sisko climbs up next to Ryan and counts them for us: 30 Avvies. That's enough to make it a Rave — right?

Blueout™

The Grimms and Dante are in some small room with Beyonce and Sisko. The noise from offscreen suggests the Avvies are banging on the walls, so no one in the room is talking. And — HEE — Dante has apparently not done well being locked up. I'm thinking it's actual canon, not fanon, that he's claustrophobic. *****

Rebecca's hair has been braided and "done up" - it looks like it morphed into some insane basket. Dante's finishing one on Beyonce while Ryan is attempting to dismantle Rebecca's. Sisko is standing with his back against the wall like he's afraid Dante will try to put a weave on him. Dante finishes and taps Beyonce on the shoulder and she tries to offer a smile as her hands try to figure out what the hell he did to her hair.

Dante looks around — already bored again. Sisko moves over to Ryan and whispers that maybe they should have Dante teleport to check on the others. Ryan nixes the idea — Rebecca becomes very attentive, but with her back to them, we're the only one who see it. Ryan instead says that they will hear if the Avvies all go in one direction and Dante needs to be with the Grimms to teleport them to help. He then ends the conversation by pretending to be distracted by his sister's hair — it's not a stretch. God knows _I'm_ distracted by it.

Sisko shuts up for the moment, but Ryan and Rebecca exchange a look. I think Rebecca has passed on Dante's misgivings and Ryan now shares them. Dante himself comes over and worriedly asks what they're whispering about. Rebecca grabs him by the collar and yanks his face down to hers. She hisses at him to put her hair back — NOW. He reaches out and with what has to be an effect, pulls one pin out the the entire thing collapses into her normal pantene look. Across the room, Beyonce looks startled, finds her own pin and mimics the action.

Everyone looks admiringly at Dante who shrugs modestly. Oh all right — HA.

Blueout™

We change pov for the first time in the series I believe to something that is neither Grimms nor Dante. Instead, we're outside with the Avvies. Despite there being a large number of ogres and fierce looking men, it obvious from the voices that there are mostly teens playing them — so I'm calling them The Puberty Patrol. They all are waiting on a mage named Mary to break the "charm" placed on the village.

Mary the Mage sounds like a very put upon, whiny 13 year old girl. She looks like a femme fatale. You know, because this episode wasn't _already_ giving us enough women and PoC issues to deal with on the forum. For sanity's sake, I will mention that no one in the group seems to be treating her as anything other than a 13 year old girl. Anyhow, to move on, the mage is rotating through spells in that same HUD display we saw the Lords of The ProActiv and Brian The Fucking Ogre Who Killed Paul Bettany use to pick weapons. The spells seem to be what's making the pounding noises the Grimms were hearing.

Mary the Mage whines that nothing is working and are the rest of The Puberty Patrol _sure_ there's something to find on this level. Some other boy (one of the warriors) responds that he was here last week and there was a completely different town — "not this weirdo nyc place."

The Puberty Patrols starts arguing, revealing that in Reality, the Cypher server system has been "wonky" lately and wondering if _anything_ is working. They seem to think it's likely to be glitchy, but as the server time is now free, they've got plenty of summer vacation to explore it. They also note that the "game" timeline is out of sync and it is supposed to be daytime, not nighttime.

Mary the Mage's last spell fails and she hits the facade with her staff, cracking it. There's a painfully long discussion over what this means before they all start hacking at it with their weaponry.

The Puberty Patrol begins pounding on the facade with various blunt instruments and the whole thing starts to shake. One of the ogres starts to climb the Empire State Building Cupcake and starts aping that he’s King Kong. It’s both cute and pathetic - well done, Show. Alienate the teenage gamer boys while you’re pissing off the rest of civilization. 

All the banging and climbing begin to pull the facade from the village. As it becomes apparent they are NOT just going to go away like good little monsters, inside his hair salon, Dante helps Rebecca to her feet and the Grimms prepare to move. Sisko also moves to man some sort of lever by the window and on his signal - Dante blueports the Grimms into the middle of The Puberty Patrol.

This immediately sends the little brats into a panic. Ryan and Rebecca start spouting officious sounding MacGuffin filled comments: The Grims are system admins — they even use their real names, causing a stir as they're recognized. Ryan claims that they are all maliciously using a billing error to get free server time — thus aiding and abetting those responsible for the error in the first place. Rebecca chimes in and threatens to delete their accounts and acts like she's going to sic her internet lawyer on them any moment.

The basic message is, "So stop it."

After a moment, Mary the Mage realizes just how full of shit that is and calls their bluff. Ryan taps at the air with the quill and Mary the Mage pops out. The rest of The Puberty Patrol gape at him. Rebecca asks who’s next for the ban hammer and one of the kids whines that _it’s not fair_.

The rest of them suddenly attack en masse and — **That's it. I cannot stand this shitty episode anymore.**

Rather than do literally _anything,_ the Grimms stand there, forcing Dante to blueport people away so Sisko can kill them. They do manage to ban some of the Puberty Patrol, but the rest of Dumbarton has to come and fight as well. 

_For no other reason than lazy writing,_ this ensures that most of the citizens get an earful from The Puberty Patrol that the Grimms are banning them from a game _the Grimms themselves help create._ Every race!fail moment suddenly comes to a screeching halt as the Dumbarton Mayor verifies that everyone is okay and basically offers Sisko his job — the position as Mayor.

The Grimms _still_ don't catch a clue as their "ally" Jacob throws their stupid asses under the bus by assuring his new townsfolk that he's sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation why Dante's blueporting looks an Avvie coming in and why all the Avvies think the Grimms are _responsible for the entire Avvie Incursion Story to begin with..._

Ryan goes for Jacob's throat but is prevented by the Elders — who are suddenly armed even though they didn't kill any of the Avvies a few min— you know what? Nevermind. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS EPISODE ANYMORE.

Dante punches out the people trying to throw a hood over his head. Ryan gets rid of his captors; Rebecca grabs their gear and Dante blueports them the fuck out of this stupid shit episode.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. In a complete reversal of all the shit they told us about the women not having a say at the beginning of the episode — Beyonce totally sidles up to Sisko and asks if he's married.

The credits are filled with stills of everyone on set drooling over Beyonce. I am just too stunned at the misogynistic overt themes to really pay attention.

**What the fuck was _that_?** *****


End file.
